I Dare You To Move
by BadLuckVixen13
Summary: Merlin goes missing for a week and the reaction in Camelot is a little less than what it should be. What happened in that week? How is that changing Merlin? Why is Arthur such an idiot? Dark! Merlin.
1. Welcome To Existence

"_Merlin! Merlin!_"

So far away, so hazy. The sound of hooves on grass and roots thundered through his headache. Something like metallic in his mouth, and so much noise. He felt sick and dazed. He felt terrible as the side of his face smacked against something alive, glowing, and radiating with life. It wasn't very happy and there was a sharp spike in its sides before it went faster.

"_Merlin!_"

That voice was getting farther away... he was sure.. it was Gwaine. He was getting farther away from Gwaine... and Percival... and Arthur...

_Let's hope the dollophead manages not to befall anything completely terrible before I get back..._

* * *

Arthur ran a hand through his hair as he trotted down the stairs. Merlin once again was slacking off. Gwen had brought him his dinner and said that she hadn't seen Merlin all day, even when she'd gone to visit Gaius. There was something about her eyes that made him think there was something wrong. He hadn't seen the other since just before lunch... That Merlin better have a good explanation! was the general sentiment for the day. Arthur was up in arms and irritated every time he encountered a servant, or a person, that wasn't Merlin. Most people made it their job in life to actively search for the other, or avoid Arthur at any cost. They'd done a wonderful job until night fell.

Sometime in the night there was a knock on his door, he stood and went to it, opening it to find Gwen half tear struck and half-strong. There was something in her eyes that let him know that it was something larger than a few people getting attacked yet not quite a pillaging of village. Gwen always had a way of priming him for information with her expression, unlike that idiot Merlin who always looked like something catastrophic had happened or absolutely nothing happened even when it was a catastrophic.

_Note to self: make Guinievere give Merlin expression lessons..._

"What is it, Guinievere?"

"It's Gwaine and Percival...they've been injured..."

He frowned, downing a pair of boots, tunic, and trousers to follow her to Gaius' chambers. As they headed down a cold draft swept through the castle. Upon reaching Gaius' chambers it was Gwaine's voice they heard and the _swish-swish..._ of hair...

"Damn it all!"

Arthur stepped in to see him clutching a dirty bag that looked strangely familiar. Percival by his side looked on with restrained anger and sympathy, placing a large hand on his shoulder. It was obviously a familiar touch... one that Arthur didn't think to get into at the moment.

"It'll be alright..."

"The hell it will be!" Gwaine yelled, not even bothering to wince at his bothered injury across his arm. "He..."

"What's going on here?" Arthur asked. "What happened?"

Percival sighed, "We were out making the last rounds around the city. When we saw Merlin in the woods...he was gathering herbs or something. We were on our way back when a group of Saxons attacked us..."

"Saxons? That close to Camelot?"

"_That's what I thought,_" Gwaine said softly, his hand tightening in the cloth of the bag where there were still stalks of green and flowers peaking out. "They were lying in wait... as if they knew we were going to be there... as if they'd been watching the patrol routes..."

Gaius swallowed, _Or had been watching Merlin..._

"We fought... we fought hard... but there were just too many of them... I thought they were going to kill us, leave us there in the woods, but they weren't interested in us... They weren't fighting with us so much as stalling and keeping us at bay...keeping us distracted..."

Arthur and Gaius's stomach fell out and into their shoes it felt like, both blanched at the prospect of what that would mean...

_Merlin? Since when did Merlin become prime prey for the Saxons? Do they know that he's my servant? Who goes after a servant?_

Of all the people they could have tried to take close to Arthur, why would they take Merlin? It was no small rumor that Arthur was, for all purposes, deplorable to Merlin and they were in a tumultuous relationship. What would they want with Merlin? If they'd chosen Gwen, he'd understand. He actually treated Gwen like a human being more often than not. Gaius had another train of thought that made his palms damp and his heart race. Morgana was at the forefront of his mind, terrified at the thought of Merlin's real identity getting out to the wrong people. he knew that Merlin could be careless sometimes with his magic, or rather couldn't keep it in all the time, but Merlin was better than that to have gotten caught unless someone else who knew told...

"They took Merlin," Gwaine said finally. "They grabbed him quick and tied him up, dragged him off through the woods while the rest of their band was preoccupied with keeping us busy..."

"He put up a good fight..." Percival said comfortingly to Gaius. "I'd never seen anyone looked as shocked as when Merlin pulled that guy off his horse and kicked him in the face. I didn't think Merlin was strong enough..."

Gwaine shook his head, chuckling pitifully turning grim... "They were headed towards the White Mountains... Merlin wasn't wearing enough clothes to survive something that cold for long."

Arthur rubbed his forehead, "When did this happen? You say they were headed towards the White Mountains?"

Gwaine nodded, "They were riding fast, once they'd gotten Merlin under control and on the horse. The rider himself didn't look too armored, he wasn't carrying much of anything so they would have to be riding extremely fast... Merlin doesn't weigh that much. I would think they probably had a camp somewhere on route, but it would be impossible to know where exactly unless we tracked them through the forest."

Arthur nodded and bade them get some rest before heading to find Leon who was already up and had been responsible for receiving the knights. They met in the council room with maps and Lancelot who'd been awake as well.

"They said they were heading towards the White Mountains. What the hell is in the White Mountains?"

"Possibly a Saxon camp, but they may have not been Saxons, just dressed as them... They could have been plain bandits."

"But why take Merlin?" Lancelot asked. "Unless they were in serious need of a doctor..."

Leon shook his head, he was pretty sure that that wasn't the case... They wouldn't have come so close to Camelot merely find a doctor. If that was the case they would have actually kidnapped Gaius and been done with it. They wouldn't have taken Merlin. It was too deliberate. Was there something about Merlin that they didn't know?

"You saw him before he left didn't you? Was he carrying anything of value?"

Lancelot snorted, he didn't think that Merlin had anything of value besides his magic and his brain, but that wasn't something people would know. Despite his youth, Merlin was almost perfect at concealing or using sleight-of-hand magic. The man was brilliant. He shook his head, the man _is _brilliant. More brilliant than he suspected that anyone other than Gaius would ever know. Hell, with the way that Merlin is generally treated even Gaius may not know the extent of Merlin's sheer brilliance.

_Maybe Gwaine..._

Gwaine shook his head, no he hadn't been carrying anything out of the ordinary. He hadn't been doing anything out of the ordinary either and that's what made it even worse. They'd taken Merlin and they weren't trying to kill them. They were Saxons if that was anything to go by, but their desire for Merlin had been potent. Were they slave traders? Did they know about Merlin's magic? How? Merlin was always more than careful about concealing it.

"No. Just an empty satchel with a notebook for herb gathering inside..."

Leon sighed as Arthur marched up towards them and looked over the maps taking note to where Lancelot was saying that he tracked the the trail through just after Gwaine and Percival were taken in.

"I can't say for sure, as I didn't track that far but it is safe to say that they were heading in that direction..."

Arthur shook his head, it didn't make any sense... Saxons within the territory of Camelot...for a servant? Really? Somewhere along the lines of communication the lines were cut, but he shook his head, this was important not merely for Merlin's sake but for the general safety of Camelot. He proposed to ride out in three days time giving Gwaine and Percival time to rest up and time enough to send out inquiries as to the Saxon movements near Camelot from the garrisons. Unfortunately due to the midst of the other things on the King's schedule and other disasters in the realm, as well as the severity of Gwaine and Percival's injuries... three days turned into a seven. Gaius had nearly gone mad with worry, begging for some expedition or leave to look for him himself, but it had been for nothing. More injured were coming in, the sick and he couldn't leave. The knights were dealing with other disturbances around the kingdom. It was just a time that everyone was too stretched to do anything to look for Merlin.

Gaius thought it was ironic... When Merlin was stretched beyond his limits, he broke arm and leg to stretch further in the face of what needed to be done. Yet the kingdom that he'd been so closely guarding and protecting from the shadows could not spare a moment's breath for it's missing savior.  
Arthur had been too upset to just let it rest and asked for the garrisons to stay alert for Saxons passing and Merlin's appearance. There were only reports of minor skirmishes with some bandits and a traveling band of villagers from a ravaged village in Cenred's kingdom. The name reached him: Ealdor. Apparently, the village had been burned to the ground and Cenred had forgone any aid to the poor villagers... They would arrive in Camelot in three days time from the report.

On the day they were meant to ride out something very interesting stumbled into the palace courtyard behind the remnants of Ealdor. Gaius came out to search the crowd finding a world weary Hunith among the group, guiding a pair of weeping children with her and happy to see Gaius who wouldn't be able to tell her anything more than "I'm sorry."

"Gaius," she greeted. "It's wonderful to see you! Where is that son of mine?"

Gaius swallowed greeting her and wincing at the mention of Merlin. Her eyes flickered over his face and slowly she realized the reason why he said nothing. Something had happened? A thousand possibilities flickered through her mind, the first being that Merlin had been hung or burned at the stake, the second was that he'd fled Camelot, he'd been killed in combat-

"Gaius...Where is Merlin?"

"Hunith... I need you to calm down and-"

"Where is Merlin?"

"Hunith-"

"Where is Merlin?!" She shrieked now loud enough for the knights and Arthur to hear her. "Where is my son?!"

Gwaine winced, hearing her panicked shrieking and Gaius's attempts to calm her. He'd never met Hunith, but he heard about the attack on Ealdor and the obvious closeness between her and Merlin. He didn't know how Gaius was going to tell her, or even if he should be the one to tell her considering that it was Percival, Lancelot, and Gwaine that had been there when he was taken.

"Hunith, please..."

"Please, Gaius... tell me where he is..."

A death silence passed. The world swiveled in her eyes, she saw light, but everything zoomed out of focus. Everything in her waiting for an answer and prepared to scour the entirety of Albion for her son...

"I don't know..." he said finally.

"What do you mean you don't know?! Merlin isn't the type to just go missing! He _can't _go missing!"

"He was taken by a band of Saxons outside of Camelot's walls-"

But Hunith didn't hear those words... only that her son, her Merlin, the only person she had left in the world was missing. Merlin, Balinor's son, the Last Dragon Lord, Camelot's Shadow Savior, her only bright light was missing... And no one seemed to care.

"Merlin!" Gwaine yelled, dismounting and rushing towards the familiar figure.

Gwaine's stomach turned. There was enough to see even beyond Merlin's usual ethereal qualities. He was so pale, yet flushed like a fairy had set a flame in each of his high cheekbones and placed him in a pale moonlight bath. His entire core went cold, he shivered and he couldn't make himself move fast enough to just keep him from falling. Everything in him screamed not to let Merlin fall, to be there, to catch him. To give him strength when he could not remember his own... He was too afraid to think of what it would be like for Merlin to fall... He didn't think he could handle seeing his one and only friend as a nothing more than and empty body with no soul behind those beautiful blue eyes.

_Catch him, catch him before he falls..._

Merlin was definitely easy to stop, the forward progression haulted and any semblance of energy that held him upright vanished as he collapsed into Gwaine awaiting arms. Gwaine lowered him down to the ground. Hunith whirled around as the knight rushed across the courtyard arriving along with another dark-haired knight. Not stopping once he'd gotten a closer look at the man. Hunith broke away from the children and Gaius to follow suit at the familiar shape of her son's head.

Merlin didn't hear the call, he didn't feel the cold or the wet, or the pain anymore. He didn't feel anything, not even the fact that he was moving and the forest had given way to the dust and dirt riddled streets of the lower town, getting cleaner and whiter as he approached the palace. He heard nothing and was nothing, but some body stalked by the death that waited for him to collapse. He could hear it whispering, _Lay down your head... Just lay down for just a moment..._ He'd refused. He'd refused to do anything but walk and stumble and crawl through the dirt and mud. He refused to acknowledge the pain. That would be to remember and he couldn't do that. He had to get back to Camelot, there was no telling what trouble Arthur had gotten himself into. No telling what disaster had befallen Camelot while he was gone. No telling how worried people were. What about Gaius? Who was helping him gather herbs? And the cooks? The knights? Who was doing any of that? Surely that void left by his absence wasn't completely filled... He didn't want to think about if it was.

But suddenly he wasn't moving any more and there was a familiar smell invading his nostrils along side the dirt and blood. A familiar cold hard feeling against his cheek and the Pendragon red in his vision... He'd made it to Camelot...

"Merlin?" Gwaine ventured, gently turning him in his arms.

His face was splattered in blood, his hair was greasy and smelt of sweat, blood, and something else. Gwaine knew the smell well enough, being in enough whore houses to know, and his stomach flipped. His clothes were torn in some places, cut in others, trousers were tattered and it was Percival's grimace that attracted attention to the trail of blood prints and dribbles behind Merlin. When Arthur, Gwaine, and Lancelot reached him he was slumped in Gwaine's arms, ugly purple bruises around his neck, wrists, and ankles.

Hunith felt sick at the sight of him bruised and battered. He was bare foot. Bloody, dirty footsteps accompanied the drops of blood marked the direction he'd taken through the town and out into the forest. Arthur bet they could track it all the way to where he'd been taken. Gwaine lowered him gently to the ground and turned him over in his arms. It was then that Arthur realized something odd about Merlin's clothing... they weren't his. The clothes weren't his. They were too big to be his, the only thing that was recognizably Merlin's was the tips of bright red from former neckerchief and now raggedy makeshit bandage around Merlin's thigh that still oozed blood and pus. It had hadn't done much good it seemed, but he hoped that the smell was from Merlin's trek through the less than sanitary woods, and the flush was from exertion. He knew that wasn't the case looking at the blood prints. It was amazing that Merlin had enough blood to still flush.

Hunith kneeled, to murmur words to the boy that was barely conscious.

"Merlin... Merlin, darling...? Speak to me... Can you hear me?" She asked, praying to the gods that he was still alive.

Hazy, dazed, deep, red rimmed blue eyes fluttered around before focusing and bringing Hunith's worried and soot smudged face into a faded focus. She looked so frantic, he vaguely wondered why. He was fine. She was crying and tears fell to mingle dirt and blood leaking from the scrapes and cuts along his scalp and over his cheeks. Salt water cut tracks through the grime on his face revealing an even paler alabaster beneath.

"M...'m... k-..."

He passed into unconsciousness without much else, his entire body giving way and falling motionless and strengthless in Gwaine's arms. He moved to life the man but a low moan of pain stopped him. Gaius guessed there was something broken. Gwaine and Lancelot sacrificed their cloaks to slide beneath Merlin and carry him in the softness of the folds of material. They carted him quickly to Gaius's chamber who ordered them all, save Hunith, to allow him to work in peace once the hot water was boiling and he'd cut Merlin free of the clothing.

"Bring me hot water," He said. Gwaine and Lancelot rushed with buckets to the square, followed closely by Percival.

Hunith worked along side him to get him undressed and start the cleaning of wounds. After the third attempt to get Merlin out of his clothes and the moans of agony, Gaius cut the cloth away from his body with steadier hands. It was all automatic now, his mind couldn't focus on the fact that it was Merlin laying there black and blue everywhere. The wound in his leg was deep enough and long enough to see bone once he'd cleaned it of the sprigs of herbs that Merlin had stuffed it with. Hunith swallowed thickly as Gaius worked to find the points of extreme damage and she mixed potions at his command. The wounds seemed to conspire against him, or Merlin had literally dragged his body through the dirtiest, grimiest, bits of the world on his way to Camelot. Dirt and infection had set in, but not nearly as bad as Gaius would have thought. At least in the haze of the riotous fever and suffering, Merlin remember a good deal of his teachings. More than Gaius had ever realized that he'd taught him.

His feet were shredded and caked with clay and herbs, not mud. He wanted to chuckle at the obvious methodical consciousness his ward possessed even on the edge of death. There were scraps of material binding his feet, a weak split on both wrists and friction burns and bruise across his neck. There was more blood on the clothes than should have been in his body, but he found the Merlin hadn't bled fatally. They had time to save him, not much, but time enough to do so.

"Will he be alright?"

"There is hope..." But not much, Gaius knew that. He trembled to think what would happen to Camelot if Merlin died. But Merlin had lost too much blood and was fading quickly, almost too quickly for Gaius to keep up.

He stitched him closed, washed his wounds in antiseptic creams and poured tonics down his throat for the pain and to help the body seal itself up. He hoped the liquids would be enough to stave off the nearly inevitable-

"Gwaine!" Gaius called knowing the knight was right out the door.

He came through followed by Lancelot and Percival as he and Hunith attempted to hold Merlin still as the seizure set in. Percival did his best not to harm him further, but for a thin and half dead man, Merlin was strong, thrashing as his eyes rolled back and froth gathered at the edges of his lips. His seizure shook the whole bed, reopening stitches and sending blood spurting from places.

"What's happening?"

"He's going into shock, hold him still!" Gaius reached for the potion that Hunith had been mixing to finish it off and shove it down Merlin's throat and covered his mouth as the muscles, bruised and swollen, worked.

"Come on Merlin, come on!"

The thrashing died to twitching and finally he went still. They breathed for a moment until the low moan came and Gwaine bit his lip.

"Can't you give him something for the pain?"

"Any more would knock him out completely... He may not come back from that."

They took a collective look at Merlin's face, swelling from abuse and riotous blood vessels. There was nothing more to do now, but monitor him, keep him warm, keep administering potions...and pray. He prayed hard. He prayed to the Tripple Goddess to save Merlin's life...Hunith was at Merlin's bedside praying as well. Gwaine and Lancelot joined in for as long as they could leaving Percival to speak a prayer from his village over Merlin before they were called back to their duties. gwaine had even promised to give up drinking until Merlin was back to normal... Who knew how long that would be?

There was no news about him for a week, other than Gaius's scream for aid and the _thud thud thud _ of seizures that came from the chambers and the solemn report that Gaius had to give on his condition. He was vague about the full extent of his injuries but it was enough that the threat of death was very real. Arthur stood over Merlin's sleeping form and told him not to die.

"For once you will do as I say," Arthur growled before leaving to attend the council meeting.

The entire castle had fallen into a anxious state with Merlin, the happy-go-lucky servant of the King was ill. The knights were distracted, the King was more stressed than usual, and the servants were missing Merlin. Gwen came to visit regularly and bring food. When Gaius was calling out to the stable boy that was to serve as a messenger on Merlin's status, the entire castle jumped with the yell.

"He's awake!" Gaius called. "Inform the King."

Merlin's hazy blue eyes opened to a familiar setting, settling on Gaius's form, and then Hunith's for a moment before his bruised and swollen face twisted into a clamouring smile. He didn't register the belts holding him down or his additional injuries.

"Tol- 'em ..bes-tra... here..." he said before promptly passing back into the world of unconsciousness.

Gaius only laughed in glee, not understanding and Hunith began to fret as he fell back into sleep, comforted only by the sound of his soft breathing, and the slow rise and fall of his chest. News spread fast and the entire round table came in and out of the chambers that day, hoping to catch him awake. Gwen had been the only one to see him awake. His eyes were practically swollen shut or had a bandage over it so he couldn't see her, but knew she was there by her presence.

"...'en...?" he gasped and she'd soothed him back into sleep. Hunith had gone with Gaius to search for herbs.

"You're safe in Camelot... shh..."

Even only slightly consciousness, Merlin managed to snort in derision at the phrase "safe in Camelot", surely Gwen wouldn't understand, but it was still ironic. Safe in Camelot? Not even in his sleep, he would have told her that if his throat didn't feel swollen closer. He would have told her a lot of things, but went back to sleep instead.

* * *

It was another two months before Merlin headed back to work. More because of the returning seizures and his general inability to walk than anything else.

It was another sleepless night, another wakeless day. Merlin only snorted at the irony of it. He thought after everything had been settled, after everything had been done that he'd be able to sleep at last... at least a little bit. Destiny, Fate, and the Universe in general must hate him more than usual because not only did he not sleep, he slept less and less. Ate less and less... and zoned out more and more. He was supposedly the greatest sorcerer to ever live, he'd saved Arthur from sure death a million times, gotten Gwen to marry Lancelot, ended the threat to the Arthur's life with Mordred's life, survived a torture experience he couldn't remember, had somehow ended the war with Morgana all without credit, without anything... yet here he was still shining the King's boots, getting smacked over the head. Here was a still an outlaw in the kingdom that he's saved at three hundred times...

_You have not reached the fredom quota: You must reach at least four hundred before beginning your secondary term to freedom. _

Yes, Destiny hated him and he was just Arthur's sidekick in the grand scheme of things...

But he couldn't get angry about it, he couldn't afford to. There was no telling what his magic would do, no telling how he would react without the constant state of vigilance that he'd programmed himself into... Even in his sleep he kept his powers locked and it was an odd feeling. When he'd tried to explain it to Gaius, the old man had only shook his head, unable to understand exactly what he meant.

"I'm sorry Merlin, I'm not the proper resource for this sort of discussion..."

His mother had only smiled and told him that she believed in him and to be careful. He'd only sighed, trust a man that learned sorcery not to understand the problems of being magic... And his mother with absolutely no magical inclination,he shouldn't have hoped for much. He could only be happy that he would not have to worry about his mother's safety along with Arthur's as much as he did. There was a little relief with that. He'd tried to speak to Mordred once and the young man only shook his head as he did not understand either... Then again the Druids were a magic practicing people, but they weren't magical creatures per se...

He thought about that most of all, did he count as a magical creature? He thought so, if he was kindred with Dragons and was born of magic so much that he was in fact magic... After the battle at Camlann he wasn't surprised that nothing had changed. Nothing at all changed, if anything it had only gotten worse, or rather it was getting worse faster. Morgana was still at large, probably working on destroying Arthur, but the attack by men had been sliced down and he hadn't lost his secret identity, either.

Nothing had changed, yet Merlin still hated it all. From the time he was a young boy to the present, his magic had grown with him, or maybe there was just more of it that he was aware of... With no one to understand him, no one to talk to, and no way out... Merlin felt himself sinking.

It was different now that he was older. With Will dead, and his mother here in the city with him. Aside from her, there was really only Gaius, Gwaine, and Lancelot who he could talk to about his magic, but even that came with complications. Lancelot was a good man, married to Gwenievere and most things that would be kept between friends would not remain so with Gwen... at least that is what he feared. Even with Lancelot's honor and integrity, his oath to never speak of it to anyone, Merlin had already placed him in a peculiar position of treason alongside Gaius... He didn't have to worry about Gwaine's loyalty as he still harbored that deep distrust of nobility anyway...He didn't want to put any further burden on either man regardless.

It had been easier when he was not in Camelot... He didn't have to lie all the time, he didn't have to keep on constant vigilance, he didn't have to fight himself and deal with the utter self-loathing and despair of being with the walls so big that they choked the life from him. While there were other problems in Ealdor, they were easier to deal with. They weren't constant. He could tune them out or make them go away. There were simple things that needed to be fixed, simple problems like a broken cart or a low return on crops... Things easily solved, things he could solve without fear of death. There words and disdain were nothing but talk: easily encountered, evoked and ignored. Now that Ealdor no longer existed, most of those problems had disappeared with the people. The few people that were now in Camelot were more concerned with rebuilding their lives than dredging up the past knowledge of Ealdor, which meant that he, and his mother, were more than free now.

Camelot had these problems and more that tied his hands most of the time. When the nightmares had started, he'd only told Gaius that he couldn't sleep. When he was alone and the faces of those that didn't have to die, or with the faint memories that his entire being repressed with a vigor so strong it shook his core to make him think of what he didn't want to remember. If he'd only used his powers appeared in the waking world, he'd covered his ears and shook his head trying to block out the sounds. But they weren't external incantations, but hallucination created by his magic and guilt, entwined and seeping out of his trembling control. He'd started channeling his magic as an adrenaline boost then, getting through the day and the harshness of his vigiliance then, but it wasn't enough. There was always something else-another danger, another battle, another sheet to wash, another sword to shine until he looked up one day and couldn't remember why he was there...

Being in Camelot, in this way, had drained so much from him that all that could be left was exhaustion... Utter exhaustion giving way to despair. A despair no one in Camelot was privy to, a despair that no one in Camelot could possibly understand, after all what other magic user would be dumb enough to live in Camelot? A despair that Merlin had spent his entire life running from. And with the despair came questions, questions that only brought on more darkness, more pain, and more despair-

"Are you done with that?"

_Life...yes_.

He looked down at the gleaming boots that he hadn't realized he'd been shining and set them aside, cramming a smile on his face before standing and going about the room to tidy it up, hearing only half of what Arthur said consciously. Though the King had broken him out of his thoughts, he had not stopped them. As he worked, the mindless movements of his body like a magical puppet, his thoughts came back in their darkness and Merlin tried to shake them away. Flashes of fire and tightened grips squeezing... No air, the burning, the feverish warmth, and the coming darkness that would never turn to light. The relief and rest, he could just-

What was wrong with him? He swore that he hadn't felt this crummy this morning... Maybe he shouldn't have ate that bread three days ago...He hadn't been hungry, it was just that Gwaine was so damned persistent, cornering him with it and a sly smile. Lancelot had been there and Gwen and if he didn't then they would ask, and there were too many questions that he didn't want to answer and couldn't answer and wouldn't answer and with those three all of them would have been asked.

"About time Merlin, where is my address for the council?"

He handed it over to the harried Arthur who muttered and didn't seem to notice anything about his mood, or maybe he didn't care. He wouldn't be surprised. Merlin was only a servant to him, to Camelot, to fate, and to the Tripple Goddess. He was left alone and Merlin stood in the middle of the room for some undetermined amount of time... He didn't know what he'd done, didn't notice anything but when he came to he was in Gaius's chambers cleaning the leech tank with no recollection of how he got there. Gaius was muttering about something or another but Merlin only heard his voice like an auto-reply, he didn't hear anything else, didn't feel anything else either even as Gaius grabbed his hand to seer one of the leeches off his arm.

"Be more careful, you silly boy."

Merlin smiled up at the man and nodded, chuckling at his stupidity and then Gaius was gone, shuffling out to give his address at the council, leaving Merlin alone with his thoughts again. It was really the last place he wanted to be, but seemingly the only place he could go. When he was alone, he was as free as possible in Camelot. Though his sense went straight to any opening in the room to make sure no one was watching him, it was a moment of relaxation and self-loathing that Merlin had realized that he was cherishing. He'd caught himself in dark fantasies and shuddered once upon a time... Now they were daydreams of death and solitude.. or ease and peace... of freedom.

There was something churning in his chest now, he hadn't noticed it before... or rather he hadn't acknowledged it. But it wasn't time to acknowledge it now either as Arthur appeared to yell at him about something and order him to go muck out the stables for his carelessness. He wasn't really sure what Arthur hit him for, but he could hear the playful reply as he headed towards the stable and found himself with a shovel in hand looking into the stables without any emotion. His hands were already trembling, and the clouds churned overhead, growling, roaring in their discontent. The rain came down, but he didn't feel it. His eyes stayed focus on the thick black muck he was shoveling out.

Gwaine came from the council meeting and instantly searched for Merlin, he was of course joined by Lancelot who looked just as worried for the younger man as he did. Though the princess had the emotional observation skills of a blinded corpse, they had noticed. Merlin had gotten up too quick from his week of going missing, and when he thought he was alone there was a deep darkness on his face and the stuttered walking gave way to limping and agony. But whenever they moved to say something, that Merlin sublimated into nothing and it all felt like an illusion. They hadn't been able to shake the feeling as Merlin got thinner and thinner, looking more like a skeleton. His eyes were darkened with the lack of rest...

Merlin was wasting away.

"Merlin?" Lancelot asked.

"I don't know..."

As they headed down the corridors and heard the rain falling, they started up an idle chat about the general state of affairs. As the asked about the palace, no one had seen him, not even Gwen had seen him. Arthur told them that the idiot was "mucking the stables for once." While Lancelot didn't agree with the terms, he thanked the King and the pair were on their way. Gwaine was seething at his side.

"That Arthur... needs to get his head out of his arse and fast," Gwaine started huffing. "Where does Princess get off calling Merlin an idiot?! All he needs is a good punch right between the eyes..."

Lancelot shook his head looking through the sheets of rain and sleet and hearing Arthur bellowing for Merlin to do something about his fire or another. Gwaine had half a mind to tell him to stuff it and do it himself for a change, but changed his mind as they rounded the corner to the stables and found no one there. Fresh hay had been laid, no doubt by Merlin. But that wasn't the problem as Gwaine leaned closer to touch the slightly wet and darker pieces of hay: blood. It was fresh and sticky, too thin to be from anyone healthy. Lancelot shook his head turning towards the other side as Gwaine continued to grumble about Arthur's mistreatment and Merlin's overly passive nature.

"He needs to get angry for once in his extremely passive life!"

"Merlin?" Lancelot called only to see the younger man outside away from any sort of covering, hauling something along, dragging it across the ground with all the power in his extremely frail body.

Gwaine gasped and Lancelot stood motionless. They'd known that Merlin was getting thinner by the day, but most attempts to get the man to sit down and eat were useless... Any attempt to get Merlin to talk hadn't worked in the slightest, but they'd kept trying... they kept failing, but they hadn't realized that their efforts had failed so miserably.

"I'll kill him," Gwaine growled under his breath as they marched through the icy rain towards Merlin, shivering in his soaked clothing.

His clothes were at least three times too big, and now that they were closer to Merlin than they'd been in a fairly long time, he was paler, bluer, and his cheekbones were practically cutting through his skin as he focused his eyes on the bag that just wouldn't move.

"Merlin, come inside, it's freezing out here!" Lancelot said grabbing him and realizing that his hand wrapped a little too far around Merlin's arm.

The action pulled Merlin's hands free and away from the ropes so they could see his hands bleeding from mistreatment.

"MEEEERRRRLIIIINNNN!"

But Merlin didn't hear anything. He didn't feel anything, his entire body was numb. Everything was going black and blurry and he prayed that it would be the last time... He saw Gwaine and Lancelot looking at him worriedly and as he tried to force a smile to tell them that he was alr-

"Merlin! Merlin!"

At least he saw two people that cared for him. He'd told his mother that he loved her... he'd seen Gwen that day and Gaius. The only person in his life that he hadn't seen properly was Arthur, but that wasn't that big of a loss. He was sure the Once and Future King had more important people to tell them that he appreciated them, or to be told that he was loved by them. Merlin sighed as he felt the cold stone rising up to meet him and cradle his trembling body.

At least he wouldn't have to feel this pain of loving any more...


	2. The Tension Is Here

**Author's Note: There is apparently a very BAMF! Merlin within the Dark!Merlin's I write. I don't know if I it's because I felt that the ending of the show needed something like this, but whatever. ENJOY!**

* * *

Arthur cursed again as one of the female servants stoked the fire and sealed the windows shut. He'd had enough of Merlin slacking off on his duties, after all how long did it take him to muck out the stables?! Something inside him churned a bit but it wasn't as serious as when Merlin had gone missing for a week only to show back up looking more pale, his clothes tattered, and feverish from an infection that Gaius wasn't sharing with him. Merlin had only slept for a few weeks before he was back and running around as if his life depended on movement. That had been because of the seizures only, nothing more to his knowledge. He was pretty sure that it should have taken longer to recover, but Merlin had only said that his injuries weren't as serious as they looked and that he's gone far too long without movement and done far too much sleeping. Arthur hadn't believed him completely, but he also needed Merlin to be his normal self again. Who else was going to keep Arthur from going stark raving mad in a world of utter pomp and circumstance? He would never tell the scrawny thing that he appreciated him calling him by name, but Arthur had a feeling that Merlin knew that.

Their odd friendship and some of the even odder emotions that came with it did not excuse moments like this though.

_I'll kill that scrawny thing!_

He made a resolution that if Merlin didn't show up within the next hour, he would have him sacked and find a new manservant that would actually do as he was told until Merlin could finally learn to keep up with his duties. It wasn't as if he didn't appreciate the man's snarky witt, it was just that he was king now and if Merlin couldn't step up to his duties then he was better off with only Gaius or some other job. The hour passed with no appearance of Merlin, and as a man to his word, he went to find another servant to replace the scrawny boy, stowing his serverance pay in his drawer and getting the new boy, Tim, acquainted with his duties. When he headed to sleep, he couldn't help but feel some kind of niggling in the pit of his stomach as the sleet beat against his window and crashed through the city, the fire roared on the other side of the room.

A week of treaties and scrolls passed without seeing Merlin anywhere around the castle, he hadn't seen Gaius either. Gwaine and Lancelot had been acting as if they'd hated their King, too clipped in their responses, overly formal... Hell, it had been a shock that Gwaine called him "sire" or "King"... he'd managed to do it the entire week, yet and still no Merlin.

Wasn't the idiot going to come and collect his last pay? Wasn't he going to report to duty just to be told that he was no longer needed and had been replaced? Wasn't he even going to try and come up with a foolish excuse to where he was? Arthur didn't let himself think of the question he really wanted to ask and satisfied himself in his utter indignation. No one had said anything about Merlin going missing and he knew from other people murmuring that Merlin was still in the city.

Nope, and after the seventh day and the chaos of formalities had passed, Arthur stomped down to Gaius' chambers to confront the idiot face-to-face. He'd dropped the small bag of coins on the table and turned his eyes to Gaius who sat over a terribly lean body, adjusting blankets and shoveling tiny spoonfuls into the man's mouth. The older man looked a little more withered, exhausted really, and worried more than he'd ever seen him. Gaius was a physician of the highest caliber. He'd been in the battle field, held men as they gave their dying breaths, soothed families time and time again, yet he'd never had the look of utter terror so plain to see.

_It must have been terrible..._

"What... happened here?"

"He was out in the sleet too long... his hands are cut, he's sustained quite a few injuries that have yet to heal properly, and apparently he hasn't been eating or sleeping. His older injuries never fully healed... it's been a miracle he's been able to function the way he has..."

Arthur frowned coming closer, "Well, is he going to be alright?"

Gaius sniffled a little and shook his head, "I... I don't know, sire... I cannot say..."

"What is it, Ga-"

The door opened with Lancelot and Gwaine, "We've brought more water... and hopefully the right herbs..."

Lancelot set the buckets down and Gwaine took a moment to not quite glare at Arthur, but he could tell that the knight wanted to, before walking around to show Gaius. He nodded.

"Thank you," Gaius said.

"I'm sorry about the last time, I am a tad bit color blind..."

Gaius shook his head, "It's alright... there have been no changes after all."

"Why are you two..." Arthur then remembered the reason he was down here and smirked. "Don't tell me even Gaius has sacked that scrawny drunkard."

It was Lancelot who moved to stand in front of the king before Gwaine whirled around in all his fury. He twisted the knight around again and just away from the king. But Arthur recognized an attempted punch when he saw one and his eyes narrowed. While Gwaine was an easily riled up soul, he'd never been that way towards Arthur unless it was during training and they were really testing their strength.

"Is there something you want to say to me Gwaine?" Arthur asked. "That seemed like you were trying to hit me."

"Well, at least all of your skills of observation haven't gone into making your hair shine, your Highness..."

Arthur's eyebrow arched, he crossed his arms and regarded the knight, "If you have something to say, Gwaine then-"

"Merlin has done nothing but been..." Gwaine started and breathed out, calming himself and remembering that being loud would not help the situation. He had more important things to do than to worry about his king's stupidity. Rather than continue on without something active to do he grabbed the mortar and pestle and told Lancelot to speak on his behalf before he said something that would get him hung and be happy he'd said it.

"What exactly is the problem?" Arthur asked turning to Gaius who was looking up at him shocked and then between the two knights.

"You... haven't told him..." Gaius started. "I thought you knew, sire..."

"Knew what? What haven't I been told?"

"It's because of this that we didn't tell you," Lancelot said as Gwaine took a seat beside Gaius and handed over the bowl for inspection and further instruction. "It's because... well sire, it's your fault..."

"Because of what? What exactly is my fault?"

"Well sire..." Lancelot said with a sigh. "Have you noticed anything off about Merlin lately...?"

"Tch, like he's missing? Shirking his duties more than-"

Gwaine slammed the bowl down, "Like he's not eating, you prat! Like he's not sleeping! The bruises! The cuts! The limp! The pain in his eyes! The general debilitating pain that he's been suffering from and some how trudging through?! Do you not notice anything inside that blonde head of yours?!"

Arthur frowned, "What exactly... are you talking about?"

"Gwaine, keep it down..."Lancelot reminded. "You don't want to wake him-"

But there was a scream from beside Gaius that sent Arthur's stomach rolling as he turned horrified at the sound and the subsequent thrashing around. Gwaine and Lancelot were on either side, holding the thrashing body down. Arthur watched on with a strange realization that this wasn't the first that they'd done this, or that this had happened. Gwaine and Lancelot's movements were swift, practiced as the body thrashed, kicking out, screaming more as his limbs met solid objects and screaming at something that no one could see. It wasn't only struggle but a seizure that shook and held him too tightly.

"NO! NO! NO!"

"Merlin! Merlin! You have to calm down! It's alright! It's alright!" Gwaine called, forcing the weak limbs down trying his best not to let the man get broken any further, but there was a sickening crack, and another scream bursting through the second, but it didn't stop, until a gulp of breath passed through the air and faded into a pitiful whimper of pain over the sound of the body jerking under subduing hands.

Merlin...?

Merlin? Merlin had been down here for that week? He'd been out of commission and no one had bothered to tell him? When Arthur stepped forward he could see Merlin's dull blue eyes, lulling through pain, rolling back in his head as Gaius scrambled for some tonic nearby. When did Merlin get so pale? He was practically ghostly now...Why were they wrapping him up like that? He looked feverish. Why did his own blood grow cold at the ugly purple bruise around Merlin's throat? How had he not noticed that of all things?

"What... is going on?"

"Merlin's dying," Gwaine said looking down at his friend as the young man wheezed and Gaius gave him another shot of whatever had made him sleep before, the seizures eased into slight trembling and Merlin's eyes closed once more. When Merlin was still, Gaius instructed Gwaine to get the bandages and a splint for Merlin's arm as he checked Merlin's other bandages and began to treat the tears in his wounds.

"Shh," Gaius soothed. "Go to sleep."

"Gwaine, I want to speak with you."

Gwaine glared at him but stood following his King into the hallway away from Lancelot and Gaius. When they reached the door, Gwen was coming through with soup and bread for Gaius, Merlin, Gwaine, and Lancelot.

She looked between the two, shaking her head at Arthur and telling Gwaine, "Don't kill him. He's still the king."

He couldn't believe that Gwen had just said that... and that she'd known while he remained in the dark about his servant being in near fatal health! Well, there was no question of who would tell him the absolute truth at the moment as Gwaine seethed in his loose tunic, shaking subtly with rage. When the door closed behind them, Gwaine started from the beginning. From the end of the battle at Camlan when Merlin found him on the battlefield, coming from a scrape with death himself. Arthur swallowed hard. He'd nearly carried him to his horse and hoisted him onto it to get treated... and he was injured? And as Gwaine went on, his guilt was palpable. Like a bad taste in his mouth, he winced and entered the room with new eyes looking at Merlin before crossing the room as Gaius gave him yet another dose of whatever it was and attempted to get him to swallow some soup.

"You have to eat, Merlin...You're weak enough as it is..."

"Can't..." he rasped, turning his head away with as much force as he could muster. Considering his condition, it wasn't much. The thought of anything entering his mouth... the thought of anything like food or anything other than the oblivion of death and sleep made him want to run screaming to Avalon, or hang himself.

Tremor started again and Gaius drew back. Merlin wouldn't make it through another seizure. Merlin had made it through enough. His body was already taxed to its limits... He wouldn't make it through another seizure so soon... He didn't think even a few months from now that Merlin would make it through another seizure...

"Merlin," Gaius started.

"Please..." he whispered and it was so fragile that he almost cried. He was asking to be left alone at a time like this, with his fever running high and everything in chaos. Gaius resigned himself to sitting by his ward's bedside.

"Maybe later..."

Merlin made no promises as Gwaine readjusted the bedspread, cursing himself for not seeing the signs sooner and not being more diligent in watching out for the other. He should have realized sooner that there was something deeply wrong with Merlin. Lancelot shared in that guilt and as Merlin slept there was little they could do. Hunith sat nearby grinding down herbs to make more of the seizure suppressant and sleep aid.

"He isn't sleeping," Gaius said. "He's just unconcious."

"That's... worse isn't it?"

"Yes, but it's the most we can hope for now... the mind is a strange thing...I fear exactly what Merlin would see if he could slip into sleep, that coupled with the seizures... I'm not sure if their psychic or physical shock, but I know that he won't survive another one."

Gwaine and Arthur marched back into the room, Gwaine apparating at his friend's bedside with worried eyes, "Will he be alright Gaius?"

"Yes, you still haven't told us what happened to him..." Lancelot chimed in.

Gwaine swallowed in disgust. His hand tightened and he felt his stomach roll. He didn't want to believe it but all the signs were there... Everything was glaring at him from Merlin's pale blue eyes getting paler to the patterns of the marks across his skin. He knew exactly what happened but wouldn't dare say it. If Merlin wanted someone else to know, he would tell them himself.

"That's because... I don't know. I can only tell you of the injuries he's sustained..."

"It's a start," Arthur said, taking a seat at the table. "Tell us Gaius."

Gaius sighed in desperation, yet when he opened his mouth to speak, Merlin's arm shot out of the blankets to clasp his wrist. Pale cerulean eyes peeped through thick, dark lashes.

"Merlin..."

"Don't..." he said. "Don't..."

"And why the hell not?!" Arthur started. "You can't even sit up properly and you want Gaius to keep us from knowing about your injuries?!"

Gwaine glared at Arthur, "_You _of all people have no right to say that to him!"

"Don't..." he repeated softly, his eyes on Gwaine now. "Don't."

"I want to know," Arthur said from across the room.

"Don't..." he repeated. "Don't..."

"Merlin... I do believe the King has the right to know..."

"Don't," Merlin said again, weaker as if whatever had woken him was losing potency. "Don't..."

"Gaius," Arthur said warningly. "I demand to know."

"It's none of your business, _sire_. Or did your title suddenly mean that you are privy everyone matters, private or not? What are you then: a king or your father?"

Arthur flushed. Lancelot moved to stand between the two men.

"Don't," Merlin rasped again, grasping Gaius's wrist desperately. "Please..."

Gaius sighed, trapped between his ward's pleas, Arthur's command, and Gwaine's rising temper. Lancelot swallowed hoping that he wouldn't have to stop a fight between the King and Gwaine. He liked Gwaine, he liked him a lot and more than anything he was loyal to Arthur... There also came his loyalty to Merlin... Which of these bonds were stronger he didn't want to test at the moment. The room tipped for a moment as Gaius patted Merlin's arm gently and put it back under the blankets and Gwen stoked the fire and settled into a seat beside Lancelot.

"Alright Merlin," Gaius said. "I won't."

Merlin seemed to relax in that and was instantly pulled down into darkness once more. The breathing was different and it seemed as if he'd finally slipped into sleep. Gaius could only hope that whatever nightmare had thrown him out of it wasn't still lurking in the depths of his mind. He kept Merlin warm with a cool compress on his forehead for the fever. Merlin's body was under too much of an assault.

"What could have happened... that Merlin wouldn't want us to..." Gwen's voice trailed off as she looked at Merlin sleeping strangely. She glanced at Gaius who only waited for her to get her mind together and to figure it out. He figured that Gwen of all people would be able to guess. Hunith knew already as she was there to treat him, but he knew Gwen to be a sensible and sensitive young lady with the ability to see into people's hearts more deeply than a lot of people. He didn't think anyone else would figure this out...

She knew it would be something horrible, something that he was far too ashamed of... or terrified to admit... but Merlin's voice hadn't been one of terror... no... just utter self-resentment...utter despair and shame and pain and-

Her eye widened and she looked back to Merlin then to Gaius, then back to Merlin's neck and swallowed. The bruises had patterns. The biggest one leaking into five smaller outreached around his throat... The inability to eat...

"Merlin," she whispered softly, tears brimming and a tinge of rage. "Oh Merlin..."

Arthur and Percival looked at her then to Merlin. Lancelot looked grim and took Gwen's hand. Gwaine had never looked up, staring at the man in the bed. He didn't need to comfort her with his own grief still roiling around. That was what Lancelot was for... The only thing Gwaine could do now was grind herbs and hope that this wouldn't destroy Merlin as much as it had once destroyed him.

Arthur stayed there for a good deal of the day before finding the thoughts to shuffle back to his room leaving the idea that they should tell him the moment he woke up. He fell flat on his back on his bed, taking a breath and let the image of Merlin's bruised body flicker through his consciousness... He felt sick and guilty. While he didn't know, he was only being a prat and taking his frustration out on Merlin which didn't excuse his guilt in the matter.

Everything was piling up, so many things were going wrong with everything that he just couldn't think. He just couldn't think at all. He couldn't think of anything of the broken young man that he hadn't realized was broken and hadn't realized was in so much pain... He searched his mind for answers as to what he could do to ease Merlin's suffering other than giving him the time off that he needed to fully recover and possibly talking with the man...

Capturing his tormentors had been the main thing on his mind and luckily the forces of Camelot were in tune to her King's wishes. It was three weeks before the Saxons that kidnapped Merlin were caught and brought to Camelot in the cover of night. Of course, no one knew who they were, but had Percival or Gwaine seen them, they would have been able to point them out easy. Merlin was slowly recovering, still refusing most food except soup that his mother fed him in tiny spoonfuls and only a little at a time before the nausea and terror started up. They'd played it careful to avoid another seizure. His fever hadn't broken yet and Gaius was sure that it was more than just physical shock that was wreaking havoc on the man's body.

Unfortunately, all anyone could was aid him in recovery as much as he would allow and pray that this time Merlin would allow himself the rest he needed.

On the morning of the Saxons' hearing, Arthur got up early for a change. There was no news of Morgana and Merlin had been on the mend slowly and steadily. Arthur got dressed with the aid of the new manservant. He walked down to the the throne room in the circle of knights where the three men who looked worse for wear were shoved down to the ground.

"Saxons in Camelot... you understand that constitutes an act of war?"

They snorted, "We aren't Saxons, we just stole these clothes."

Arthur's eye narrowed, "What are you doing in Camelot? Who are you?"

"We're slave traders."

"Slavery is illegal in Camelot."

"But you sure have nice specimen for trade."

Gwaine and Percival forced their way forward as they entered the hall from patrol and it was Percival who held Gwaine back from drawing his sword. It had almost been too late, but the bigger man prevailed holding Gwaine back despite all of his efforts.

"Sir Gwaine, restrain yourself!"

"You haven't killed them yet?" Gwaine growled, struggling in Percival's grip. "I am glad, I wanted the privilege of dispatching them!"

The taller of the two turned, Glenn he said was his name, "How's your arm?"

"You know these men, Sir Gwaine? Sir Percival?"

Gwaine got free at last, focusing his glare through wild locks, "They were part of the band that kidnapped Merlin."

"Oh... that's his name... We just called him Screams...or Tears." Glenn said with a dirty grin. "He would have fetched a handsome price...very well-behaved."

Gwaine's hand went to his sword again.

"Sir Gwaine," Arthur started sternly. "Restrain yourself... These men are on trial..."

Gwaine growled but stayed silent as Arthur went on with the sentencing. Kidnapping, slave trading, and the assault of the knights as well as the assault of his personal servant (which Glenn and Marius apparently didn't know) amounted to a very long stay in prison with more than the possibility of death sentence pending what other crimes they discover. Gwaine wasn't happy with it and swore that he would find out what they'd done and they would die for it. The doors opened the two criminals were nudged out and as he followed them part of the way, Arthur heard a clattering sound.

"Nice to see you again, Screams."

The clatter got louder and there was the sound of a thudding on the ground as the guards moved them faster along the corridor and the two man made wolf-whistles and lewd remarks. Arthur realized that it was the sound of armor falling and he frowned, turning to head towards the sound, only to see Merlin on the ground, wincing as he leaned against the wall. No, wincing wasn't quite right. Merlin's face was cast down in shadow, his mouth was a grim line. He was still, but it wasn't a wince. His eyes seemed too hard, to dark for that. There was a barely repressed tremor going through him. For some reason, Arthur was furious as the lewd remarks and whistling faded with distance.

"What are you doing?!" Merlin's eyes raised as the King marched towards him, "What are you doing?! You're supposed to be in bed!"

Merlin looked up at him and every part of him wanted to tell him to stay back, but he couldn't voice the words keeping his magic contained from the wound in his side, keeping the deep agony from making him nauseous and collapse, but Arthur was coming so fast and his head was whirling with the sound of that laughter, that word, the name: Screams.

_Aren't you a pretty one...? Mm... looks like my boys actually had a good eye. Ever been taken, boy?_

"Arthur, don't..." escaped his lips, but it was too late and it was no longer Arthur marching towards him, but a bandit with a dirty face, licking his lips. It was Glenn, unbuckling his belt and reaching for him with bonds that had done something insane to him, driving him insane with the restrictions they placed on him and his magic. And he wasn't there, but in that deep dark cave that he had no recollection of.

All that light, heat, and power richocheting around inside his skin burning the barrier searing paths through his organs. He could feel nothing but the blue hot sensation of his soul flickering, exploding, melting down and devolving through his being going _clang!clang!clang! _against the heavy metal shackles on his wrists and ankles trying to break free.

_Don't be afraid, I'll be gentle with that tight little ass of yours..._

"Shut up, "Merlin whispered, covering his ears. The thrusting pain came then, fast and he swore he was bleeding out. He felt so dizzy. _Clang!Clang!Clang!_-"Shut up..."

_If you're good, I'll give you some food. You bite me and you'll never be able to chew again._

___Clang!CLANG!Clang!_

_Don't fight me sweet... or do... It makes it that much better..._

**___CLANG!Clang!CLANG!_**

_Nice eyes you have there, Screams..._

"Shut up," Merlin trembled, shaking his head. He wasn't there any more, he didn't want to remember. The tremors were coming and he tried to breath, to get a hold of himself to tamper down the rise in emotion and magic, but it wasn't working as he threw himself over the container and squeezed trying to keep more of it from spilling out of him.

_Not the memories! I can't remember... I can't remember... please... just hold on..._

The pleading wasn't working. He could feel the weight of those bracelets and now the blue hot and yellow cold light was going_Clang!Clang!Clang!_ against his skull knocking any semblance of balance out of his legs and making his eyes roll back.

"Get up," Arthur urged but Merlin seemed frozen in his catatonic state. "Get up!"

_Please just...Please..._

Arthur's hands went his shirt and yanked hard, his body followed too easily. Since when did Merlin get so light? When they were eye level, Arthur's fury drained too quickly. Merlin was shaking, staring at him terrified and trapped in some nightmare. The container was fighting back, angry and riotous an instinct to a terror that Merlin couldn't fight.

Those hands on his throat, the stiffness sliding in his mouth, down his throat- he couldn't breath! He couldn't breath! The thrust of something cold and metal and round thrusting inside him- it hurt! Stop it! The resistance, his magic trapped and ricocheting through his body, through his skin and into his eyes, flickering with no escape, running around and screaming "Let me out! LET ME OUT!" as he couldn't- can't- breathe!

Can't-... Can't-...

"Merlin?"

Merlin didn't say anything. Instead, the tears started, but Merlin didn't blink. Just staring into the middle distance in horror and remembrance. The blood, so much blood and the sword, the knife, two of them pressing up on either side of him, thrusting-

Slimy, dirty hands gripping flesh, pulling hair, cutting him, tearing him apart... Magic rushing, running terrified, screaming on a choked silence-

_Can't-... Can-..._

___Clang!Clang!Clang!_

"Merlin!"

A piercing scream came from his mind before Merlin was fighting him off, Excalibur leapt from its scabbard to Merlin's defence. His eyes glowing with magic and terror, Great Purge screaming, pushing, prodding the back of his eyelids, stumbling back, curling up in the corner as the thudding of men's feeet coming down the hallway towards them. His own screaming, the laughing and the long bouts of silence... Everything playing over and over and over and over and over-throat blockasge, full of a sliding thickness, climatic and calamity hands sliding through his hair, gripping, pulling, forcing it deeper. His hands went to his throar, his magic ricocheting making his nightmaes real-choking and defending him all at once. Arthur stared in disbelief as Merlin weeped in the corner, tearing at his hair and he stared down the edge of his own blade. Merlin was screaming at the memories and tearing at his throat, pushing at an invisible force that wouldn't more and he couldn't realize that he was free from. Legs kicked out, but the tears were rolling, his voice sounded hoarse and half choked.

"No-ack! Can-...! Ar-"

_Clang!Clang!Clang!_

The sword swivel fending off the approach of Gwaine and Lancelot who'd arrived with their swords drawn to Merlin's screaming and the weeping fading down into desperate crying.

"Please stop... please..." he wept. "Arthur... help...please..."

_Clang!Clang!Clang!_

The sound of his name sent a jolt of terror through Arthur and the startling realization that Merlin had called for him to save him. He was calling for him now...

"Gwaine... Lancelot..." he pleaded pitifully, his hands in his hair, tearing at it as his eyes flashed. "Please... help..."

Merlin's body relaxing against the wall, his eyes glowing too gold and stunning all of the guard except for Gwaine and Lancelot who glanced at each other and swallowed the guilt that rose at the back of their throats. He'd called for them... he'd called for them to help him, to save him as he'd saved them so many times and they hadn't been there... They hadn't come to save him. They'd failed him.

He didn't hear the sound of magic on metal anymore... just breathing and his own prayers.

"Help... please... someone... anyone..."

"Merlin," Lancelot called softly. "Merlin..."

"Goddess..." he wept. "Please..."

Gwen came rushing down the other side of the hallway, the sword whirled around to regard her and she stopped, but it went falling to the ground at the sound his mother following just behind and running past the sword to hold her son.

"Merlin, Merlin, honey, you have to wake up. You're not there. You're safe, it's me."

But he wasn't hearing anything, tears falling, his eyes staring into the middle distance as she rocked him. Calling and pleading for help that could not come and an end that would not arrive: stuck in purgatory-hell. Nothing but broken sobs and screaming, hands in hair, over ears-tearing at the strands there. _Clang!Clang!Clang!_ He had to get a grip or his magic would kill him. He had to get a grip or he'd die... He had to get a-

_Clang!Clang!Clang!_

His body fell lax against the stone floor, as if all the energy in him had been zapped and he was nothing more than the hollow state of guads approached the swiftly and Hunith screamed for them to stay back as the sword swung to their defense. Merlin's eyes glowing even in his catatonia.

"Merlin, honey... we're in Camelot. We're safe... put the sword down... Put the sword down...I'm safe honey. I'm safe. You're safe."

The sword dropped once more and Arthur motioned for everyone to put their swords down. The rules were clear on what to do, but how to do it was something else. Gwaine and Lancelot approached them without drawing the sword's anger.

"Take him to the dungeons," Arthur said in a voice that sounded almost too much like Uther's.

Lancelot looked at him as if he were insane. This was Merlin who was apparently in some kind of shock and terror. He didn't think it was a good idea. The man needed help not a cold dungeon cell!

"But sire-"

"You heard me, Sir Lancelot. Hunith will come with me to speak on behalf of her son until he is able to speak for himself."

Gwaine had never hated Arthur more than in that moment, but they did as ordered, careful to keep him in between them and the farthest away from the two slimy bastards that had apparently done more to Merlin than attempt to sell him off. They set Merlin on the bed, but he promptly fell over, lying on the uncomfortable mattress without a complaint, without motion. Eyes stared, still glowing but no outward manifestation of power to be seen. Gwaine left him his cloak to bundle up with and Lancelot's served as a pillow to ease the way he lay down.

"We'll get you out, alright? Just sit tight... even if we have to beat some sense into Arthur..." Gwaine promised. "Forgive us for failing you once, we won't fail you again."

"We'll protect you," Lancelot promised. "As we should have then..."

There was no response, but there was nothing else they could do to comfort the man, but bestow comforting squeezes and head back to the judgement room where they knew that Hunith was pleading for her son's life.

"Then you understand that this cannot be condoned in Camelot."

"It's not his fault! He didn't choose to study magic. He was born with it! Surely, you won't condemn him for being born," Hunith said. "Please, sire... Arthur, you've known Merlin... you've talked to him, he's been a faithful servant to you for all these years when I know it wasn't the easiest thing for him to stay here in Camelot... I beg you to have mercy... to at least wait until he is well again."

"He's a sorcerer, that could have run me through in a spark of unfounded terror! No spells, no incantation, he's much too dangerous to be kept in Camelot."

"Then give us leave from Camelot and never return. I swear on the grave of his father that if you show him mercy we will never return."

Arthur shook his head, he couldn't risk that. With banishment it would be easy for Morgana to get word and recruit Merlin to her ranks after this, or kill him and he coulnd't have that. Even without the threat of Morgana, Merlin was an unknown entity as a sorcerer or whatever he was. No, that would do. Letting him go would only leave an untapped source of power, an unallied source of power out in the world. There was no telling how powerful he was considering that he was apparently killing himself with his own magic... His own magic was turning against him strong enough to override the basic instinct of survival... He shuddered to think what it could do to Camelot... the world... No, that wasn't feasible. He had no idea how powerful Merlin was to do that without a spell, what could happen... The words of his father circled his head, the words of the council and all things he'd seen magic do were overriding that sunny, dimpled smile that had warmed him the most when he'd felt the lowest.

"No one is born with magic," he said, or maybe it was some other him. Arthur wasn't sure, too confused and stumbling through his own thoughts to think clearly.

Hunith snorted, "Don't put limits on something that you've never tried to understand! You follow in your father's footsteps! The same that cost him Morgana, and created this war. The same that deprived Merlin of his father and his heritage, a chance to understand his powers with guidance! You follow in your father's ignorance and will perish by it if you do not listen!"

Arthur gaped, she was unapologetic in her speech as Gwaine and Lancelot arrived to catch the end of her speech and force their way towards her.

"I've tried since Merlin was born and levitating things around the house to protect him and guide him to use his powers to help and protect... I sent him here so that he may have a better life than the one he was given in Ealdor with Gaius to guide him as he grew... I sent him here because he was meant for more than a farmer's life. Don't undo all the work of people you can't even imagine because you won't listen Arthur..."

Arthur stared into the eyes of a woman she'd met only once. The mother of a man that he swore he knew better only to find out that he was a sorcerer. Sorcerer's were evil yet somehow those dimples had been anything but evil... that clumsiness had been anything but treachery.

_You must protect Camelot at all costs... even at the cost of yourself. Do not break my legacy..._

"She is right sire," Gwaine said. "I can vouch for Merlin's use of magic to protect more than just his own life but your life and the lives of Camelot."

"As can I," Lancelot said.

"You knew?!"

A murmur rippled through the room at the obvious outspokenness of the two knights of the round table. Leon and Percival's eyes widened and Arthur stood, flushed with anger. Was there no one close to him that was not harboring a treacherous secret?

"I learned of it when Merlin saved my life from the Griffin when I first arrived."

"When Morgana gave you that wonky bracelet that almost killed you, it was Merlin who was the "Magic" to the trio, he was the one who figured it out."

"It was Merlin who caused the whirlwind in Ealdor."

Arthur growled, "I will deal with the two of you in due time. As for the sorcerer, he will be confined until he can speak for himself and face fair trial."

"His name is Merlin," Gwaine thundered.

Lancelot growled, "That's not right, sire. It's Merlin for goodness sake!"

"I will not be questioned Sir Lancelot, Sir Gwaine. And if you value your status as a knight you will hold your tongue!"

His eyes widened in shock. He hadn't believed that Arthur would ever say that. He'd head a gasp and the sound of clinking metal. He was unsure if it was his or Gwaine's armor, or both of their armor that made the noise. The room was tense, Hunith stared in awe. Gwaine had been the first to start from sheer anger and not giving a moment's thought to shock. The entire room stared in disbelief... They were giving up their titles as knights for a peasant sorcerer? Gwaine didn't wait until it was all off, throwing bits of his armor over his shoulder and leaving the trail behind him as he strutted out of the throne room. Lancelot stayed until every piece had come off.

"I cannot serve this King," he said solemnly. "You are not the King I believed you to be."

Gunievere had never been more proud of her husband as when the last bit of the uniform fell from his fingertips and he kept his eyes level with Arthur before the pair marched out to go pack. Gunievere left with them and Hunith only awaited to be told what would happen. If she could not get Arthur to see reason, she would have to try another way to keep her son from being hanged.

"Take her away, you can take her to the dungeon with her son."

Hunith shook the guards free and marched ahead of them towards the dungeon and awaited the opening of Merlin's cell in patience. His eyes were still staring out into nothing. It was cold with little sunlight leaking through the top of the cell's windows.

It's three days before Merlin blinks himself into conciousness. His mother is curled on the tiny straw bed beside him, sharing bodily warmth. It's the middle of the night and he wraps Hunith up in the cloak that bundles him (Gwaine's). The guards are alert to his rising and warn him not to do anything strange or they'll have to run him through. They do that without any real threat as they fear him now even though it had only been a few days before that he was bringing them dinner, sneaking them mead and sharing a good a laugh at some of Arthur's less dignified exploits.

It was always interesting to know that this is what magic did to people. He shook his head, allowing his mother the full bed and casting a warming charm over her. His magic, free to roam in that hellspace he was in, had healed him completely. He pulled off the layers of bandages to see fresh, smooth, and unmarred skin. His throat was fully healed and he felt rested for once. The guards peaked around the corner to see him, taking a seat on the floor against the back wall of the cell. Maybe his magic had done it in order to make Merlin accept it so he could be properly healed, he wasn't sure but that seemed to be the case.

He stuck his hand in the streams of dim firelight and twirled them around his fingers, taking a breath and allowing magic to free float and form images of Kilgarrah and Aithusa soaring across the sky. He knew that if he wanted to, leaving Camelot would be easy. He could call Aithusa or Kilgarrah easily , but for what purpose? To live out his days as a hermit in the woods with a broken heart and nightmares?

Death sounded more appealing than pining away for forgiveness and love from a man that had been taught, and learned well, to hate everything he was. He played with the light until morning when Percival came to retrieve him from him and his mother from the cell. He passed Gwaine, Lancelot, and Gunievere on his way and they were brought along out of their cells. The two slave traders were passed out and half-beaten in another cell.

"What... happened? What are you all doing?"

"Standing up to the king on your behalf, dear friend..."

Merlin smiled weakly at Lancelot's words as Gwaine flicked his hair.

"It's actually a plot to get you out, but we haven't figured out the rest yet."

Merlin almost laughed, but they'd arrived at the throne room too quickly. Arthur look at him with those eyes and those that were called his "accomplices"/ "defenders", including Gaius were kept to one side.

"Merlin Ambrosius..." Arthur started. He looked tired. He wondered if he'd been sleepless.

Arthur realized that Merlin looked more than rested and healed, standing straighter. The man that had gone into a panic didn't seem to exist anymore and Merlin's eyes flickered to Arthur's sword at his belt. A small smirk appeared, but the expression didn't reach his resigned and anticipating eyes.

"Why do you look at my sword?" Merlin bit his lip, "Are you planning on taking it from me again?"

Merlin stayed quiet, his eyes never leaving Arthur as he stood and tossed the sword onto the ground.

"Go ahead, run me through if you dare..."

Merlin blinked but said nothing. Merlin didn't move, he said absolutely nothing, letting his eyes flit over Arthur's person before around the room. He'd scrubbed this hall from top to bottom several times... he hadn't forgotten a single inch of it, nor the feel of Arthur's armor gleaming under his fingertips under a long scrubbing. It seemed a little dimmer now that he was faced with it... he supposed that the new man servant didn't know much about polishing armor. He would learn as he would be polishing a lot of it... And boots... Arthur's armor looked slightly off as well, as if one side wasn't buckled correctly. His sword belt sagged a little lower than normal and at a glance, Excalibur had been trying to get away from him.

"Is that why you've stayed here? As a spy? Weren't you eventually planning on killing me, sorcerer?"

"I thought about it everytime I had to wash your socks..."

The response was automatic, something that Merlin hadn't been thinking about. He was preoccupied with thoughts of how to get himself properly hanged so when he fell, his neck broke rather than having to strangle to death. He'd had enough of being strangled for a life time.

Arthur glared, his accomplices laughed. Merlin was perfectly serious with empty, dull eyes and no expression beyond morbid middle distance staring.

"What was your purpose for coming here, Merlin? Surely you didn't plan on serving me, or maybe you did? Is that why you saved my life? To get close enough to me? To kill me?"

"Don't be so self-important. How was I to know about Uther's warped sense of rewards?"

Arthur's eyes narrowed and Merlin didn't back down or react, just stared into somewhere beyond the stone floor,"He is my father and your previous King-"

"I do not count myself a citizen under you or your father... no equal protection, life threatened at every moment, have you any idea how tiring it is to live in Camelot? Any idea how stressful it is? I'm a fugitive within walls. I can't even feel safe and comfortable in my own home..."

"Then why do it?!" Arthur growled. "Why stay here when you knew magic is outlawed here? Why stay here as a sorcerer? Why not stop practicing when you realized?"

"I didn't stay here as a sorcerer because I'm not a sorcerer, I'm sure Mum explained that already. She's always been one for details."

Arthur growled, "Then what are you?"

" A warlock...and a Dragonlord I suppose if that makes you feel any better."

"Balinor was the last dragon lord."

"Balinor was my father."

Arthur went silent. He didn't understand, Merlin had every reason to be as far away from Camelot as humanly possible... He had every reason to have killed both Uther and Arthur at a moment's notice. Why hadn't he done it? Why was he still here?

"Why come here? Why stay here?"

"I came to help Gaius, I stayed to help you... no matter how much I didn't want to some times."

"Help me? What can you possibly to do help me, you can barely help yourself! That's the reason we're here right now isn't it?"

Merlin blinked but let the comment pass, the memories rioted but he shoved them down. He could panic later, but right now he had to talk to Arthur. He had to talk enough to get himself hanged properly. He heard Gwaine fighting against a guard for the comment and Lancelot growling his disdain. Gwen didn't seem too happy and Hunith only gawked, as did Gaius. They couldn't believe Arthur had said that, even in the circumstance of his anger. But they could tell that Arthur was dealing with more than just Merlin with magic but trying to consolidate the knowledge in his brain with all he'd ever known of magic.

"I've saved you life more than you think Arthur... I've lost count-"

"Saved my life?! Lost count?!"

"Surprisingly, people want to kill you Arthur... and to be honest I'm tired of protecting you... I'm tired of listening to you prattle on, I'm tired of letting you walk all over me as if I don't matter and abuse me because you have nothing else to do. I'm tired of pretending and hiding and lying. I've done it for my entire life and before you sentence me to hang tomorrow, as I know you will, I'm going to be honest with you. You fear this new part of me, you have a good reason to. There's a lot of darkness that comes with a dual life that you can never know anything about. You're still as much of an ass as when we first met... No, I take that back. Even more so now. Seems like Uther's really sunk in deep..."

Arthur felt like he was the one on trial and the entire room went silent as the usually soft spoken and care-free Merlin unloaded his rant. There was no smile, no dimples only a clear, utterly detached and clinical voice. This wasn't the Merlin he knew, but one much older, much wiser, and much more world weary. He wasn't angry, he wasn't even upset, merely presenting facts to be heard as if everyone knew them and just refused to say it outloud.

"Your father was an arrogant , bigoted prat that took the lives of innocent people for his own mistake. He cost people parents, children, loved ones with no remorse and I'm glad that Morgana killed him. The toughest thing I had to do was try and save Uther from Morgana's tricks. Had I known about the stupid pendant I wouldn't have failed but I did and looking back on it, I'm not really sorry about it. I'm glad he's dead, though there is only a new incarnation of him on the throne. At least I won't live to experience the aftermath of your Great Purge. What I am sorry is that I thought you would be different, that you would change Camelot, for believing in fate and destiny and the thought that one day there would be a King that would be wise enough to see magic for what it is. I was wrong and I apologize for anyone I lead astray in that belief, because it doesn't fucking work. You're too stupid, too prideful, too blind to wanting to live up to your father's legacy to make your own, to trust yourself. You're pathetic and I no longer want any part of this scheme of destiny."

Arthur flushed with rage, "How-"

"I have spent my entire life suppressing who I am, hiding myself and everything that comes with it. I have spent my entire career in Camelot terrified of every moment. Terrified that the King and Prince that are supposed to protect me may have me killed for something that I never chose. I was born with magic, too much magic for one man to handle and yet I have to, more magic than I even know. I'm a bloody over-stuffed bag of magic that I can't control fully because I don't know when the bag ends. To top off already being a practical force of nature I have to keep it contained, on alert, locked up every moment of my life. I have to control my emotions because they might set lose my powers. I have suppressed enough memories to have you ready to slit your throat to keep functioning because of a blonde haired dollophead with a crown and title that threatens me with my neck when his own would have been broken, snapped, ripped out, and his head on a pike if not for that magic.

So go ahead hang me. I'll take it. I'll take hanging and death a gift from you and destiny. I'll accept it gladly. I'll sing a bloody song, dance and celebrate finally being free of this hyprocrisy you call a fair and just Camelot. I'll tie my own damn noose ,if you'd let me. I'm not, and never will be, sorry for being the way I am. I am guilty of living as a being of magic and using my powers to protect Camelot, its King, and its destiny as one of the greatest kingdoms the world will ever know. I am guilty of now resigning from that duty as I show no remorse for my crimes and attest fully that I have committed anything you'd like to tack on to my sorcery charges. I hereby sentence myself to hang at dawn."

Arthur was silent. The room was dead and Merlin was sure that he was going to be hanged.

_Finally, something I actually want to happen._


	3. Maybe Forgiveness Is Right Where You Fel

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry to whomever the guest was that said something about the rape mentioning, but to be honest that was WAY tamer than most things I have written. I thought about actually writing the scene or at least flashes of it but decided against it as that is better served in a longer (much longer story). I honestly have no idea how long this one will be. I do plan on finishing all of my stories, including this one! I'll get to it I promise. Feel free to comment, rant, rave, and otherwise discuss my stories with me (or your stories. It's always fun to chat with other authors!) **

**Back to your regularly scheduled programming:**

* * *

There was only a gasp to direct the room's attention to the space between Merlin's feet and the floor. There had been no incantation, no elevation or shift in his tone. It had been so flat it was a monologue from beyond the grave. He settled back down as he took a hard breath. Arthur gawked and nothing was said for a long time. Gwaine was proud that Merlin had finally gotten angry or something like it... at least emotionally elevated to say something to Arthur... Gwaine winced, it wasn't really emotional elevation so much as a chance to speak his mind without his own filter, without feeling any attachment to the world. Is that what he'd needed, a break from destiny? A break from the reality of his was more than he could have hoped for, but he hadn't been happy that this had been the moment that Merlin chose.

As expected, Arthur ordered Merlin back to his cell and dismissed the rest of the room. Arthur sat in wait for most of the night. The words of his father rolled through his head and washed over any doubt. There were only facts and laws dealt with in his head: Merlin had magic. Magic is a threat to Camelot. Magic is outlawed by order of death in Camelot. It had been that way for decades... Why would it change now? It wouldn't? That was the legacy of Camelot... the line his father had built and it was up to him to preserve.

_But could he do it?_

He shook free of that thought. His entire career as prince regeant and prince had been filled with doubts. Filled with could he? Would he? Should he? He'd had a lifetime to try and figure all that out. He was the king now and didn't have the leeway to be wishy-washy with his ideals. He didn't have time, space, or reason for doubts. There was the law and no man was above the law, not even the king. Laws had their reasons and places. Laws were there to protect from the greater evil that could attack Camelot. He couldn't back down on his word just because Merlin had been with him for years... _Could he?_

Could he not show mercy-

_A King shows no mercy to his subjects nor his enemies. There is no room for compassion when running a kingdom._

The though kept him up all night. Of replaying those words enough times to make them sound right, a sick kind of self-medication against the roiling guilt and unease at the back of his mind. Just as dawn began to peak over the city, Merlin was taken to the gallows, marched there. Arthur couldn't tell if they were marching Merlin or trailing along behind him as he ran to the noose. Did he want to die that badly? Why? Why stay here? Why be there for Arthur in his darkest moments? Why do that if he knew this would all happen if Arthur ever found out? If Uther had found out? Why not break out of the dungeon if he felt so... angry about the decree to levitate himself in court?

Why do any of this? Why did it have to be Merlin? Why? Why?

_A King has no time for whys. Only hows. The how of the situation is far more dangerous than the why. If you spend your time worrying about others motives, you will never discover the plan of action. _

Arthur almost rolled his eyes at this one. Then _how?_ How could he have not known this? How could Merlin live in Camelot all this time under threat of death? How could he still smile at Arthur with those blue eyes and those carved cheeks? If Arthur was in the same position, he was fairly sure he would never had stepped foot in Camelot. He would have let the prince die. He would have let Uther die as well. There was a very long list of things that would have been prudent for Merlin to do rather than to come to Camelot...

_But if Merlin hadn't come here then... _

Arthur shook his head. He couldn't think about the if that presented itself so blaringly: if MErlin hadn't come to Camelot he would never have become King. He would have died that day. Gwaine would still be out causing a ruckus in every tavern possible. He would have never have met Percival and been able to give the man a chance to avenge his village. Lancelot would never have become the very noble knight he deserved to be. And Morgana..._Morgana would have had the kingdom from the start..._

Though his father was a very prideful man, the thought of handing the kingdom to someone not of his blood line would have been out of the question. Of course the reasoning behind Morgana's ascension to the throne would have disguised as the only viable heir after Arthur's death, but all the same Morgana would have been Queen... Over his corpse in a much more peaceful fashion than the ones she'd been attempting since her alliance with Morgause. He shivered as more than one moments of the what if Merlin wasn't there passed through his mind. He saw a Camelot that he could both dream of and have nightmares about. There was a possibility that Morgana would have ruled fairly... but he doubted it. There was no way to know. He did know that he would be dead, Uther would have been dead and the legacy of Camelot would never have reached the point it was today...

_This... this isn't right... There is too much... if for Merlin to just..._

Merlin's existence in Camelot had altered so much of the world that his absence would have sent Camelot in an entirely different direction. How could this one man have so much influence over the course of the kingdom, over the course of Arthur's adult life in general? Hunith stared in disbelief. Arthur felt outside of himself. It was all so alien as if there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say... nothing to stop it even as his entire body was screaming for it not to happen while his mind whirled through the possibilities over and over again. Pin pointing crucial moments of Merlin's actions to save Camelot... save his life, the life of his father and so many other people...

How? How could he be King and ignore all of that?

_A king must consider the good of the greater over the good of the few..._

How many was a few? Were the few hundred people that Merlin saved too few? Fewer than the people that could potentially harmed by him? Was Merlin even concerned with harming anyone other than Arthur for having to wash his socks?

Merlin didn't bother to look at Arthur as he reached the noose. The executor slipped the rough rope around his neck and tightened it so he couldn't get free as he stood on the shaky stool. The priest was saying a prayer over him and there were other words being said that he paid no heed to. There was a force growing just beyond the edge of the city. It pulled and twisted the core of him into a white hot ball of energy. He felt fire and rage that wasn't his, hundreds of sorcerers chanting words into the heavens to undo the serenity of his death day.

Somehow he wasn't surprised.

_Well, if Arthur kills me soon, I guess Morgana won't have the satisfaction of killing me..._

So much for the mighty Emrys. He snorted at the irony, killed by a blonde with a rope. He looked over to the blonde who seemed to be more conflicted than he had been a moment ago. As far as Merlin was concerned, he deserved that look of sleepless turmoil. Even though Merlin didn't mind the thought of dying, to have it be by Arthur's hands considering the number of times he'd saved that man's life...

_They say a man's only true friends are himself and his mother..._

Arthur swallowed as the decree floated through the mouth of the sentry, "By the law of Camelot this man, Merlin Ambrosius of Ealdor, is sentenced to death by hanging for the charges of sorcery, deception, treason,..."

Why was he doing this? Why was he letting this happen? Arthur shook his head free of the whys only to have them taken over by the hows of what was happening. This all happened because Merlin came to Ealdor and properly changed the course of Arthur's future (for better and for worse). This moment though came of Arthur's inability to be more sensitive to the man's mental state, for Camelot's inability to protect one of their most loyal citizens...

_Merlin Ambrosius of Ealdor..._Not of Camelot? Arthur swallowed the sickening feeling. Merlin was not even an official citizen of Camelot... just an outsider that had been sent here. A relative of Gaius from another kingdom to step in and change everything.

"Merlin! Merlin please, just leave!" Gwen yelled at him.

"Arthur stop this!" Hunith joining her in protest, but there was another scream over the sound of reading of Arthur's decree by a guard.

Merlin's body tilted back with the movement of the small stool until nothing remained beneath his feet. The empty feeling of air around his ankles and the bottoms of his feet fluttered up through the tightness around his throat and the heady blue feeling of asphyxiation. He wanted to thrash to try and make the noose do what it was supposed to do, but his body protested. The roiling energy was preparing for something else that didn't include snapping his neck.

He though it ironic that his own magic was more concerned with Morgana's tricks than with his own safety.

_Some sense of self-preservation I have..._

Gwaine and Lancelot's struggling fell on a solid wall of metal obedient soldiers. Arthur could hear nothing but the sounds of Merlin's words, his accusations and they were all true. His sword thrummed, but he realized that it was him, leaping over the edge of the balcony where he stood and down into a bed of hay. Some sound was screaming out to the sentinel.

"Cut him down! Cut him down!" Arthur realized that it was his own voice, pulling his sword from its belt.

What was he doing? Why did this feel more right than anythineg he'd ever done in his life? Merlin had betrayed him, lied to him, he was a sorcerer! What the hell was going on? What was he supposed to do? Hadn't Uther been a good king? Feared by his people? Obeyed in that fearIs that what he wanted? No, he didn't, but what other choice was there? Was there a choice? So many question, yet no answers that he could see. No answer as to why he was running as if his life depended on it. No answer as to why he shouldn't run at all...

"Merlin, please!" Hunith screamed at the man. "Just leave! I'd rather see Camelot burn than you dead! I beg you!"

Arthur was running, his heart thudding in his chest with the sickening desperation to hold Merlin in his arms, to weep and beg forgiveness, to pull him close and tell him all the truths that he needed to say. Everything that he should have said ages ago. The self-reflection that he'd forced away and out of his head with the sounds of his father's disapproval and all the pain of living under his rule was coming back now.

_I...don't hate you, Merlin._

"Arthur!"

But he wasn't listening to anything as Gwaine and Lancelot were fighting off the guard to reach him , Gwen following suit and the sound of warning orders over the sound of the oncoming storm. Arthur was already pushing through the crowd, screaming to the sentinel that probably couldn't hear him, or didn't want to hear him. Would it still be blood on Arthur's hands if the sentinel didn't obey him? Did the man really want to see Merlin dead so badly? How many other people had tried to kill Merlin, tried to hurt Merlin, because of him? Morgana? Agravaine?... All those people that he'd called his enemies? How close was he to becoming one of them?

_I... could never understand because I was afraid and too caught up in a bygone moment to prove myself to my father..._

Merlin had been completely right... and maybe that is what scared him the most. The sickening feeling he'd had since the day before was dissipating in the adrenaline rush and terror. If he didn't stop this, he would be no better than his father. He would be as responsible for Merlin's death and the decay of the kingdom as his father was responsible for his mother's death. Hadn't it been Merlin that stopped him from killing his father? Hadn't it been Merlin that had lied to him in the heat of that rightful rage? Hadn't it been Merlin all those times that had saved him from unknowingly destroying himself? What would killing Merlin do to him? More than killing his father, more than banishing him back to the spirit realm... More than any other thing that he'd done that had placed someone else's wellbeing, the good of the kingdom above his own wants and needs. If Merlin wasn't there the next time, who would save him then? Gwen? Lancelot? Gwaine? Gaius?... He'd never be forgiven.

He could see himself starting another purge, another war to try and ease his guilt just as his father did. Is that what he wanted? Suddenly, now faced with the reality of his actions, Merlin's death was far more important than a simple peasant or sorcerer hanging. The fate of Arthur, Camelot and everything else that Arthur ever held dear hung by the string of Merlin's noose.

_Cut it down. Cut him free. Cut me free. _

_" I am not Uther, cut him down!"_

The sentinel couldn't hear anything in that thick metal helmet he was wearing except the sound of something light and round hitting his helmet. The clouds were dark and roiling as the rain started and the sentinel reached out to feel it on his hand. It felt too light to be water... it was greasy...and where had those clouds come from?

_Oil?_ Gwaine thought in confusion, realization dawned on him. Lancelot and Gwaine shared a look before looking to Merlin. His eyes were rolling back to look up as the oil droplets kept falling. But there was no glow there. Arthur was running across the courtyard to get to the platform... Oil from the sky?

"Maybe even the Tripple Goddess has decided that Arthur has gone too damn far and decided to burn us all," Gwaine said.

Lancelot shook his head and pointed to the origin point of the cloud far beyond the edge of Camelot in the sky, "I don't think that's the Tripple Goddess. Gwen, get inside."

Arthur felt it when he almost slipped across the smooth courtyard stone. Oil from the sky. His eyes focused on Merlin as he slid/ran across the slick pavement.

_I... could never prove myself to him, because I never believed in myself... I was never as strong as you._

"Everyone get inside! Now!" Arthur screamed feeling the grease slide across his skin and make his grip on the sword that much more shaky. But there was no point in that as the sounds of things hurtling through the air came into being. The throngs of fire and light coming to meet the oil rainstorm over Camelot and burn the beautiful city to ruins.

Morgana looked over the summit. It was such a perfect day for the execution...Though she'd planned on waiting until Merlin had fully choked out and Arthur's insecurities had driven him insane... It would be nice to destroy all of Camelot in one fail swoop. She couldn't just let Arthur die knowing that he'd killed Merlin. No. He would die burning, screaming in agony and knowing that it all could have been avoided if he didn't hang Merlin. Yes, it was a much more fitting death than anything she'd ever devised before and Merlin would die in that same agony he lived, crushing his heart as the noose crushed his wind pipe. Arthur thought he was nothing.

The screams of panic came through the sound of his breathing. Everything was getting heavy and crowded in his head. He couldn't breathe, but there was oil falling from the sky over Camelot. And with no volition of his own that blue hot and yellow cold light inside of him was rioting and rushing out of him, up the noose and out into the air, invisible and fast. All at once rushing out of him with the last of his breath.

Merlin wasn't moving, not kicking, but his eyes were glowing and a pulse echoed through the air. Arthur didn't know what was happening, only that there were people running and he was leaping through the air to reach the platform. Merlin wasn't breathing anymore, but his eyes were still that glowing gold, his face was blue. He was running out of time.

_I... need you... I need you to give me strength when I feel like I'm doing everything wrong._

He could see Morgana from where he was rushing to Merlin and threw himself forward to severe the rope.

_I...need you Merlin. Can you hear me? I've always appreciated your honesty... I've always taken it for granted, pretended that I didn't because I..._

Merlin's eyes were flickering, looking upward to the sky, flickering blue and the pulse ebbed and restarted. Pushing through with the last of Merlin's breath into the air. It struggled and slipped at the half start again. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough and was plummeting back to Merlin's body as Arthur's boots flew up the stairs and Arthur's breath rushed through is lips as the sword swung over Merlin's head.

_Because I was afraid that you would go away... That I would be weak...that you would see my true self and push me aside as pathetic._

The screaming didn't stop even as his sword sliced through the rope and he heard Merlin's body hit the platform with his lights stopped their descent back into Merlin's body and readied again for one last charge.

_But I am weak... I am weak for hiding from these feelings. I am pathetic for never believing in you, in myself, my worth, for deceiving myself... So weak compared to you... So stupid!_

Arthur pulled at the rope and heard Merlin's gasp for breath and set the pulse free again, breaking the sound barrier so the whole of Camelot stopped as the vibration toppled onto the floor as they ran. The people of Camelot looked up into the sky slowly, some coward beneath their wooden awnings and prayed that the magical terror would be quick or that their King would save them as he always did. Gaius prayed Merlin was not too far gone to know that people needed aid. Gwaine sighed staring up into the sky as the balls of fire came rushing towards the city.

A part of him hoped for one last save from Merlin, another though that the man had done enough and deserved to just let it all burn. He was dying after all and the city had failed him.

_I need you, Merlin. I need you, Merlin! I need you to forgive me!_

The pulse returned in full force, his eyes glowing too bright for Arthur, eyes cast upward. His body jerked at the surge of breath to his lungs and his power outward. Arthur looked up to see the balls of fire frozen in the air just out of range of oil drenched houses. Merlin's eyes beaming out through the dim terror that hung over the city.

"Merlin, I'm sorry!" It came out in a scream as he pulled Merlin against him, tightly hugging him, trembling. Sobbing, "I'm sorry, I'm so stupid. Forgive me, I beg you. Don't leave me... I need you Merlin...I need you..."

Merlin didn't move in his arms, but as his own oil and tear ridden eyes opened he felt the whole of the world frozen for a moment in terror and fear, holding its breath for this moment and what would surely be the end of them all. He looked at his oil drenched hands and watched in awe as a droplet collected on his skin, reformed and began ascending into the sky. The screaming had died down to a terrified silence as millions of droplets of oil reformed and retreated into the sky along side the balls of fire, frozen in their attack on Camelot. Merlin still trembled, choking, his eyes still burned but the powers were already let loose.

"...Merlin...?" Arthur asked terrified, but Merlin said nothing. Arthur couldn't see as he wouldn't let go, but his eyes were focused, in the moment, the city of Camelot watch in awe, terror, and amazement as the collection of fire and oil joined into one above the city.

"EMRYS~!" Morgana screeched pushing her power and the power of her aids, but it didn't nothing as Merlin sent another pulse and the ball went hurtling to where Morgana stood screaming pushing, fighting against the power that overwhelmed her.

She was screaming his name as the fire consumed her and her minions in an instant and died with minimal singing to the area. People in the streets stood staring at the phenomenon, what the hell just happened? Hunith rushed up to the platform where Arthur was slowly letting Merlin go to look into his eyes. There was a warm, proud, and wise understanding there. His eyes were tired, but they weren't that dead hopelessness that he'd seen in the trial hall. A moment of compassion and something else that Arthur was terrified of passed in silence. Arthur felt his world tilting, leaning but the magic was broken when Merlin came back to himself, wheezing and rubbing his neck as the bruising was countered and healed in a flurry of magic. He breathed easy, coughing only a little, the only one making any noise in the city besides Excalibur clamoring to the ground and footsteps up the gallow steps.

"Well," Merlin started. "That was... eventful."

Hunith pushed Arthur away from him and pulled her son into his arms, weeping in joy and terror, scolding him.

"Don't you ever do that again! I don't care if he is the King of Camelot and you love him. You don't let people kill you! Don't you ever do that again! I should turn you over my knee for making me worry so!"

Merlin only smiled and hugged her back enjoying her warmth and rocking her, "Force of habit I suppose."

"Well no more of that!" Hunith declared, squeezing him too tightly. "Please, Merlin... you're my only son..."

Merlin rocked her gently, knowing what she was going to say, but he couldn't explain it. He couldn't explain to her exactly why he did the things he did for Arthur. Arthur was left with his thoughts, staring out into the distance as Hunith hugged her son and the rest of the accomplices rushed up the platform to tell him that he was amazing, that he deserved to rest as he wobbled onto his feet from the adrenaline.

The people of Camelot looked up towards the platform when Merlin was wobbling on his feet and Arthur could say nothing. The city was quiet except for the shuffling of feet and baited breath. He was so... powerful... Powerful enough to save the entire city...while choking. How dangerous? The whispers started soon after. Parents hurried their children along and back to the house and avoided the platform. Gwaine thought it was pathetic as Arthur stood up and the group of accomplices ushered Merlin down the steps.

"Are you a sorcerer?" A little girl asked.

"Come along or he'll curse you!"

Merlin blinked and looked down at the little girl as she pulled away from her mother to get closer.

"Are you the one that saved us, Merlin?"

He smiled a little and gave a dizzy nod before falling to his knees. Hunith shrieked in worry as the little girl was pulled away staring at him in amazement and screaming "Thank you!"

"I'm alright... just too much excitement in one day."

"I nearly had a heart attack!" Gwaine yelled. "You owe me at least three drinks for this!And apples!"

He grinned at Gwaine and kissed Gwen's cheek in apology before turning to Arthur as he called his people to gather around for the announcement. They wanted an explanation that Arthur couldn't give. Merlin stepped into his line of sight and he was terrified of the words that would come, and ashamed of his actions and the warm rush of revelations running through him. He'd always thought he was brave, brave enough and wise enough to at least know when something was wrong, but it seemed that he was still the terrified and insecure prince bending to his father's will even when the man was dead. That warm feeling that Arthur had run shrieking from had been... love... He thought it foolish that he should run from loving a man who'd shown nothing but dedication and care to him... but it wasn't an emotion he had very good dealings with. He'd loved his father... and it had screwed him over for life.

"Hey," Merlin said drawing him from his thoughts.

Arthur met his eyes wary and at once ashamed, but there was no judgement, no accusation only understanding and warmth as if he'd knew where it was going. As if he'd had faith in Arthur all along... Merlin extended his hand to help him up. The day was bright and clear over his head, the clouds had vanished, the sun was shining beaming across Merlin's face and making his eyes a deep blue that Arthur wanted to sink into. Arthur's face flushed, his heart thudded and he scowled inwardly.

_Don't be such a girl, new emotions or not, that was totally unmanly!_

"Thank you for saving my neck," Merlin said. "It meant a lot more than you think..."

Arthur blinked in confusion as Merlin grinned at him, "Try not to worry your pretty little head about it too much..."

Arthur gaped at him as Merlin leaned on Gwaine and they limped back to the Gaius' chambers to get him bandaged up. Arthur was left to face his people. He cleared his throat and addressed his people instructing them to go home, check on their families before heading back to the palace and shivering in spite of himself. His hand was still tingling from the contact and it was sending warm shivers up and down his arm. He sat on his bed lost in space and unsure of what to do... When he came to, he was sitting at his desk, a quill in his hand and a decree drafted and signed. It was slightly darker outside but there was the sound of celebration and joy. He wondered what they were celebrating.

Merlin sat in Gaius's chambers with his mother, Gwaine, Lancelot, Gwen, and Gaius with him. Though he now remembered everything that happened in vivid detail, he wasn't sharing. He didn't speak about it only taking strong breaths any time the nausea started (which happened to be any time he tried to eat anything). The night after his failed hanging was filled with the sounds of the city celebrating life and rejoicing that they were safe. He spent it close to the people that stood by him and ignoring anything that felt like darkness. He ate (very little but it was progress), he drank (almost a full swallow of mead), and he laughed louder and harder than he had in a very long time.

A knock sounded on the door. Gaius called for them to come in as Merlin managed another shaky sip of soup. It still felt disgusting to have anything sliding down it throat, but his stomach rumbled and he had a better control of it now.

The door opened to reveal a slightly frigtened Arthur. He wasn't armed, only wearing a plain blue tunic, breeches, boots and a belt around his waist. Gwaine and Lancelot went still glaring at him, Gwen regarded him curiously as Merlin turned around in his seat. His eyes were cast down in shame and fear, it was the first time that Arthur really looked humble and not fronting. Merlin waited for him to gather his thoughts or for someone to say something.

"Hello..." he greeted and shaking his head hearing how soft his voice was. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Good evening."

Gaius swallowed, "Was there something you needed sire?"

"I... I wish to speak to you, Merlin... if you'd allow it..."

Gwaine scoffed, "I wouldn't hold your breath, Princess."

Lancelot narrowed his eyes, "Why?"

Merlin only stood up, without hesitation. He needed to move around before his mind thought he was trapped again and he freaked out or something.

"Don't be suspicious, it's only a talk-"

"With the man that had you hanged."

Arthur winced, but found comfort in the feeling of Merlin's hand on his arm. It was light and reassuring on his shoulder.

"I promise not to get run through, hanged, dragged off or otherwise in danger, alright? I promise to defend my life with my magic if necessary."

Arthur paled at the thought and Merlin closed the door behind them before anyone could respond. Merlin lead the way towards the open courtyard where only a few guardsmen milled about. The night was slightly chilly, blowing a lukewarm wind through the palace corridors. For a while they walked through the quieter parts of the city and said nothing. Arthur didn't know i it was nerves or not having his thoughts together, or if maybe this was an awkward silence. Any glance at Merlin's serene and practically unreadable face said nothing. Eventually, they found themselves by a small brook and they took the time to sit down, side by side and kept silent for a long time.

"How..." Arthur started, but went quiet again. "How... How are you?"

Merlin shrugged, "Fine, I suppose... You?"

"I'm... okay I guess..."

Merlin looked at him through the darkness and lay back knowing that he couldn't see him and they wouldn't be moving until Arthur had sorted out his head. Not that Merlin minded the silent company.. It was much better for sorting through the events of the last few months than Gwaine's boisterous laughter and his mother hugging him tightly. They meant well, he knew that. But he'd spent more time alone than with people in Ealdor, not counting the occasional adventure with Will... And in Camelot that feeling of isolation had only had brief moments of alleviation. The past few months had been the loneliest and the most solemn of his life. The raging migraine that had been soaring since he'd been brought to the physician's chambers and forced to sit at a full table was dulling now in the silence. Beneath it came more sounds that he didn't want to encounter, more thoughts, darker thoughts that he didn't want to acknowledge.

Merlin smiled.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur asked. "Before I mean..."

"The same reason why I haven't told you a lot of things," Merlin said honestly. "You weren't ready for it."

"How can you say that?"

"You had me hanged," Merlin pointed out making Arthur flinch at the finality of the words. "I think that was a good show that you weren't ready to hear it."

Arthur winced, "Does it...hurt?"

"Nope, all healed up now." _  
_

Arthur nodded and sighed, "I... I'm sorry Merlin."

Merlin glanced at him before sitting up to lounge on his side looking at Arthur through the darkness. Arthur didn't look at him, staring into the water instead. He waited, watching the tension in Arthur and the clenching of his jaw. He seemed so angry at his reflection, or the water, but Merlin was sure it was his reflection. He knew the look well enough to know after all... he'd seen it on his own face enough hallucinated or otherwise.

A flicker of light on the water caught his eye and grew into flickering candle light in the dark cell chamber before his eyes. Moonlight streamed in through the high window and he shivered, barrier less against the cold night wind. Glenn was grinning at him behind the candle light-

"I'm sorry... I was so... stupid. I don't... I can't even..." Arthur sighed again, hating that the words wouldn't come to him. Merlin blinked, still watching the memory and hearing parts of Arthur's rambling. "There's nothing really to say. I can't explain it, I couldn't say why. I can't say why... I don't know why! I don't know why I was so angry... Why I just... let it happen? Why I didn't do anything... I can't say anything to you as far as an excuse... there's no excuse for it. I just... I..."

His hands went to his head, curling into himself at the terror and fear of that scared little boy he'd never quit being. The scared young man going to face the griffin that would kill him... The scared young man that had almost let his best friend die...That had almost killed his best friend and he didn't even have a reason! How pathetic he though. He glanced at Merlin who was still preoccupied with whatever thought he was having in the distance.

"I... I.. I'm sorry... I...I-"

He gasped at the feeling of Merlin's finger wiping at his cheeks and looked up to see Merlin looking at him with eyes he'd never seen before. They were sad and warm but there was something else too... Something that Arthur didn't have a name for but made him feel like the sun had been housed in his chest and at the core of it was a deep, dark hole of cold that could never be melted. Arthur shivered and flushed.

"Shhh," Merlin whispered. "Don't cry."

He pulled him forward into warm, thin arms as Arthur was dumbfounded at the warmth and the feel of Merlin's hands in his hair, stroking gently, soothingly.

"Shh," Merlin whispered. "It's okay... I forgive you."

And that made Arthur mad. He pushed him off, pulling back and surging to his feet as Merlin went crashing into the shallow bed of water.

"How can you be okay with this?! How can you possibly forgive me?! I ordered you to be executed! I almost let you die after everything you've done for me? For Camelot! How can you be okay with this!? How can you just forgive me like that?! How can you be okay at all after everything that's happened!? How can you be okay with anything, with hugging me after everything that's happened, which I can only guess was torture? HOW CAN YOU BE OKAY, MERLIN?!"

Merlin blinked up at him, his breeches were wet, soaked really. He felt his hair curling with water and the wetness sliding across his face. He really didn't understand what Arthur was so upset about. That's what he wanted wasn't it? Forgiveness? How could Merlin deny him that after he'd reversed the decree and indirectly forgiven him for years of lying? What point would there be in holding a grudge at this point?

Arthur sunk between his legs to breathe deep and look at him in the eye.

"How can I... still..."

Merlin felt an ice pick in his chest at the other's tone. It was too close and intimate for the King. This was Arthur, the real Arthur speaking to him and he really didn't want to hear what that one had to say. That Arthur inspired the greatest loyalty and created the greatest suffering of Merlin's life... It gave Merlin hope in a better future while dashing it terribly and more importantly... it kept him coming back when everything in him tells him to run. Because Arthur needs you... And there is never going to be anyone else...

"Arthur..."

"How could I have done this to you?" Arthur whispered in horror, reaching out, cupping Merlin's face. "How could I have done this to you...?"

"Arthur," Merlin said again, now swallowing down the volatile turn his stomach had taken. ready to plead for Arthur's silence or run for the woods.

"How could I have done this to you... when I all wanted was... All I've ever wanted was..."

Hands trailed down wet arms, to grap at hands to bring them up against Arthur's chest before sliding around Merlin to pull him closer. Merlin quaked and went stiff in those arms.

"All I ever want is..."Arthur breathed, their eyes met and lightning twisted down Merlin's spine heading straight for his stomach to create another violent thrash.

"Arthur... please..."

His trembling hand made its way to Arthur's cheek, his fingers grazing blonde strands. It was a moment of truth as they shared breathing air and were close enough to feel the mold of each other's bodies. Arthur was something of muscle and strength and he felt helpless. His powers roiled and hummed beneath his skin ready to defend him, but his insides went cold and petrified. He could feel the definition of pectorals leading down to abs. Arthur's arms held Merlin easily, solidly, yet tenderly all the same, but Merlin could not feel that. Only the weight of shackles on his wrists.

"Arthur, I don't-"

"I know we could never be,-"

"Arthur-"

"I just needed you to know that I-"

"Arthur, you're not listening-"

"And I'm sorry that I-"

"Arthur-"

"That I never wanted you to-"

"Arthur-"

"That I never hated you-"

"Arthur-"

"That I-"

"ARTHUR!" Merlin thundered, throwing a wave of brook water in the blonde's face. It came out far more forecful than Merlin had intended since Arthur ended up on the other side of the bank. Arthur gawked and sputtered, glaring across the water at Merlin who'd pulled his legs up to his chest and was silence in the water.

"What the hell was that-"

"You weren't listening to me!" Merlin yelled. Arthur blinked. "Just stay over there!"

"What for?"

Merlin flushed and pushed at his arms, "Because I'm telling you to, you clotpole. Just stay over there before you get hurt or something!"

Arthur swallowed, adjusting himself so he was sitting closer to the water's edge. Well, that was an entirely botched apology he had to admit, but they say try again when the situation isn't what you expect.

"What... are you trying to say then?"

"You know that thing you do when you babble and you keep talking because you aren't listening to anything the person you're talking at is saying?"

"I don't do that-"

"And that thing you do when you are completely oblivious to anyone else's emotional state?"

"I am very compassionate-"

"And your complete disregard for my feelings. You're inability to admit you're wrong in an emotional arguement and you're inability to get a clue!"

"What are you..."Arthur's voice trailed off as he realized something odd about Merlin. It seemed that he was seeing him through a film of some kind. Arthur tilted his head and reached out to the thing blocking his view only feel a solid barrier between him and Merlin. Merlin was curled up, rocking behind the barrier, eyes closed, face tilted into his frowned, wading through the water to get closer to Merlin only be stopped by the barrier.

"Merlin... are you... using magic right now?"

Merlin said nothing only rocking a little more without saying anything. Arthur managed to slither his way across the bank toward Merlin as the barrier flickered blue and white.

"Merlin?"

" I love you Arthur," Merlin said finally. The shield still remained and Arthur swore he stopped breathing for longer than was natural. "I don't know why but I do... And you'll make a great King someday. You can admit when you're wrong when you need to... You've learned humility. And the people love you... They will now more than ever love you even more..."

An eerie, dreaded feeling crept over Arthur in that moment. He wasn't really sure why, but there was something in Merlin's speech that made him expect the worse. Was Merlin ill? Was there something else wrong? Why tell him he loved him with that tone of voice?

"Merlin... what are you saying?"

"I have to leave Camelot."

Arthur blinked, the words rung through his ears but there was no thought or comprehension behind them.

"What?"

"I have to leave Camelot for a while... I don't know how long..."

"What? Why?'

"I can't be here with you... not now..."

Arthur growled. He didn't understand the reason and he didn't think he could ever understand. Why say that right after you confess your feelings? Wasn't the whole point so they could be together?

"What the hell do you mean you can't be here with me? I've lifted the ban, Morgana's gone, what reason do you-"

Merlin looked up, their eyes met and Arthur realized that he hadn't noticed when Merlin started crying. He hadn't noticed the colors of the barrier shifting or th strength of it changing. He didn't notice any of that...

"Merlin... what's wrong..."

"Everything in me...wants to scream... wants to kill you and all of Camelot...Everything in me wants to destroy it all."

Merlin shook his head when Arthur opened his mouth. He had to get it all out now before telling the others.

"There's too much blood here. It costs too much for me to be here now... If I don't leave, I'll have to pay it all in one go... and everything from here to Essetir will be ashes."

Arthur trembled, Merlin could do that? Not that he should be surprised at that, but he was. He didn't think that anyone, let alone Merlin, could be that powerful.

"What do you mean it costs too much?"

"Balance, Arthur... That's all magic rests on... the balance of the world. I am magic and as such Camelot has tipped the scale too far for me to handle... You have tipped the scale too far for me..."

"What does that me-"

"It means... That you've hurt me and it's going to take time for me to heal. Mentally, physically... spiritually... I'm going away for a long time and I don't know if or when I'll be able to come back."

Arthur stayed silent as Merlin stood and headed back to the castle. He had no idea how long he'd stayed there, but before he knew it, he was shivering and stumbling his way back to the palace in the early morning light. He collapsed into bed but did not sleep, staring into the fire place as the flames roared. There was a new servant coming to attend to him, and that was the last straw.

Merlin packed his bag with Gwaine carrying on about wanting to come with him.

"You can't expect me to be alright with this? We owe you our lives and there's nothing we can do to ease your pain?" Gwaine pouted looking up through his shaggy hair.

"If you're with me, I'll have no reason to return..."

"Then let's not return!"

"You took an oath, Gwaine."

Gwaine huffed, "What good is that oath if you aren't here?!"

Gaius came back into the room then as Merlin was faced with a frustrated and slightly embarrassed Gwaine. Merlin had always known about the knight's feelings for him. It didn't take much to recognize it. There was even a large part of himself that returned those feelings. After all, Gwaine had given him more respect, more of a lot of things that he craved from the pits of his soul than anyone else in the kingdom. How could he not? But then there was Arthur, his other half, the other part of the coin, the light to his shadow... Navigating the difference between the two had been headying... He could honestly say that he loved both men equally as much but in different ways. Gwaine brought comfort and strength when Arthur gave him purpose and tasks on Athur's kinder day there was comfort. But it was rare and wavering where Gwaine had been purely supportive, unwavering, and steady. There was no backhanded compliments or half-assed praise with Gwaine. There was still that pull with Arthur that was totally different with Gwaine. Heady and controlling in different ways. ONe felt like compulsion, the other desire and the distinction between the two wasn't always clear.

Yet here Gwaine and Merlin were, the same as they always were. Gwaine grappling for Merlin's stability and Merlin not being able to give him that. He gave himself solace to know that Gwaine didn't want him to go alone. Gwaine had agreed that Merlin should leave Camelot for a while and had started packing immediately. It was only when Merlin said he wanted to go alone that they had problems.

"Gwaine..."

"Don't, " Gwaine demanded, pulling Merlin against. "Just... let me go with you... please?"

"You have a duty here..."

"I have a duty to myself, and to you..."

Merlin swallowed and smiled lightly. Gwaine's touch was gently on his shoulders, firm enough to hold him, but not so firm as to frighten him. Somehow, Gwaine had always known how to touch Merlin. Gwaine grabbed his bag and followed him out as he said goodbye to Gaius. They got to the edge of the city when Arthur appeared in his royal dress and staring Merlin down.

"Hello."

Arthur breathed hard and shook his head, "You can't."

Gwaine growled, reaching for his sword, "Move."

Merlin placed a hand on Gwaine shoulder to calm him and stood in front of Arthur between them both. Gwaine swooned a bit at the race of power through his arm. Was it getting worse? How much time until Merlin couldn't control it? He remembered the first time that Merlin's power had been out of control, the terror in Merlin's eyes when it washed over Gwaine's senses. How much he panicked... how much Gwaine had thought he was ascending to some higher plane...Merlin had flushed when Gwaine told his power felt like an orgasm in his soul.

"Arthur, " Merlin started. "I have to go."

"You can't. I won't let you. What exactly do you have to do out there that can't be done here? What is it that's going to take so much time? Why can't you tell me how long?"

"Because I don't know."

"You have to go alone, but you're bringing Gwaine with you?"

"You're King of Camelot...And I never said anything about going alone to you. I said I had to leave Camelot and I do. Arthur, please don't make this more dificult."

"I demand you give me answers!"

Merlin swallowed and shook his head. He closed his eyes and breathed.

"Arthur please understand..."

"NO!" Arthur shook his head, "you can't leave!"

The sentry arrived and Gwaine was ready to fight despite the heady feeling of power and the knowledge that he was going to get left behind. He should have known that against all hopes that Merlin was going to find a way to leave him behind. He comforted himself to know that Merlin left him behind as a reason to actually comeback. A reminded as to what he was supposed to be doing. Merlin made it past the sentinels only to be caught by Arthur who grabbed him tight to hold him still and try and pull him closer.

"If Gwaine is hurt, I'll burn Camelot to the ground," Merlin said in a desperate breath before his eyes lit up as a beacon, Gwaine screamed, and Arthur was blinded by the wind and light lifting him off the ground. His head swam and he screamed at the pulses of light and euphoria through him as he hit the ground within the walls of Camelot. Gwaine's reaction was far more subdued as he'd experienced Merlin's magic before.

He curled into himself, breathing deep and waiting until the colors subsided and his body stopped trembling to take a look. His sword arm covered in pulsing endorphin spirals and druids swirls. Gwaine didn't even want to think about what it was supposed to be until after the orgasm effect passed. Arthur was still screaming by the time it faded for Gwaine.

"The sorcerer has attacked the king!"

"Relax yourselves," Gwaine said coming closer. "Give him some space. No one's attacked anyone."

The sentinels growld at him as Arthur came down from his high, shaking and flushed looking at his own sword arm and trembling.

"It's going to be that intense every time when he comes back."

Arthur looked at him confused and waved the sentinel's concern away. Gwaine helped him back to Arthur's chambers and left him to take a bath and change.

. It took another few hours for him to regain the ability to walk around or move without another storm of euphoria over taking his senses. It was then that he called for Gwaine to report to his chambers. The ex-knight swaggered into his room with no regard, his left sleeve rolled up to give Arthur a full few of the intricate pattern slipping across the other's skin. He glanced at the black and light riot on his own right arm and couldn't help but wonder why they were so different.

"You wanted to see me, Princess..."

Arthur refused to acknowledge the blatant disrespect as Gwaine slid into his chair and lifted an apple to his mouth. He swung his legs up on the table and munched away. Arthur watched the flush across his cheeks and the odd rhythm of his breathing whenever he moved his arm.

"Are you drunk, Gwaine?"

"The way I'm feeling, I don't think I'll ever need to drink again," Gwaine replied with a grin. "But you should know that by now shouldn't you, Princess. It's been what... four or five hours since you've seen anyone or left this room, right?"

"What's happened to me?"

"It's Merlin," he replied. "And yes, it will continue to be this intense and maybe even more so when he gets back..."

Arthur swallowed, he wasn't sure if he could survive however long that would be consistently endorphin high and on the edge of orgasm. Who knew how long Merlin would be gone for? How was he supposed to run his kingdom with a consistent hard-on...

"I wouldn't worry about that. It only feels that, you're not actually having a perpetual orgasm..."

Arthur harrumphed, "You seem fairly well-versed in this... Why is that?"

Gwaine let out a slow smile, he couldn't help himself. Arthur looked more and more appalled the longer he didn't speak and there was an impetulant anger there too. Yeah, he and Merlin hadn't actually had sex yet, but there was no reason that blondie had to think any different. It was his fault they were in this mess right now. Arthur's fault that he was here and not with Merlin, and that Merlin was gone in the first place. It was all Arthur's fault, he deserves to suffer.

"I don't think I have to tell you that..."

"Are you saying that you and Merlin were...intimate?"

Gwaine snickered, "Are you asking me as King or as Arthur?"

"As your King I demand an answer."

"Well, as Gwaine I demand respect for my private affairs and since they concern Merlin who is not technically in your jurisdiction right now, I don't have to tell you anything."

Arthur growled, but no retort came. He was right. Whatever spell Merlin had cast had left him unable to harm or command any possible harm unto Gwaine. Furthermore, it was a private matter and no matter how much he wanted to know, he had no right to demand the information. Gwaine had been given an inordinate amount of power with this curse or spell... It was going to make dealing with him even more difficult than ever.

Just what Arthur needed, another nuisance on top of Merlin's absence.

"Have you any idea where he's gone?"

"If I knew that, do you think we'd be having this conversation?"

"Thanks for telling me that you hold no loyalty towards me..."

"You haven't earned my loyalty... Merlin has, Merlin always has and is the only reason I am here. I'm sorry if you didn't realize that before."

Arthur sighed, sitting back in his chair. With the main sorcerer of Camelot gone, the idea of appointing a court sorcerer or even and Archmage made him sick. Not to mention he couldn't afford to lose Lancelot and Gwaine or Percival who would surely follow once he was brought up to date on the situation. Lancelot and Gwaine were the strongest knights he had... and they were loyal to Merlin. Gods help him if he didn't figure out a way to make them stay. The sad thing was that Gwaine knew all of this and had no problem with waking away from Camelot and letting it crumble...He would go find Merlin and live with him and carry out whatever life they had that Arthur wasn't privy to.

"What would it take for you to return to being my knight?"

Gwaine smiled at that and snorted inside. So Merlin had a pretty good judge of character...

"I'm glad you asked..."


End file.
